#I JUST HAVE ONE MORE WEEK & THEN FINALS SO I CANT AFFORD TO SKIP

[terastarst0rm]

I FEEL LIKE IM BEING WATCHED ALL OVER MY CAMPUS IT SUCKS

[pupkashi]

cherry blossoms

satoru doesn’t wanna leave you for the japan grand prix, so he flies you out to join him

a/n: hi hi !! here is part two to my f1 au !! this has taken me so long to write i hope you guys like please please please let me know what you think !!! i know the japan gp was so long ago i fell behind in sorry </3 ; lets just act like the plane rides and time zone shifts make sense thank u <3

wordcount - 7,158

part 1 // main masterlist

LIGHTS OUT AND AWAY WE GO !

“so you’re going to japan in a couple days then?” you ask, sitting across from the white haired f1 driver, watching as he nods softly, taking one last bite from his steak.

“yeah, it’s my home race so I’m hoping it goes well” he smiles, it was obvious he was nervous for the race. you smile softly at him, “you’ll do great.”

it was like a bubble had engulfed the two of you after you first met, the chaos of the world and academia seemed to settle for the two weeks he had been in town.

“what do you have going on?” he asks you, hooked on what you’d reply with as the gears in his head turned.

“just classes, finally don’t have an exam this week” you cheer, looking up and seeing an unfamiliar look on satoru’s face.

“why don’t you come with me?” he asks, cerulean eyes gleaming at you. satoru is taken back when you laugh softly taking a casual sip from your water when your eyes land on his, stomach dropping when you realize he was serious.

“you’re serious? i can’t ditch classes for a week satoru” you laugh nervously, “i can’t even afford a plane ticket to Japan let alone a hotel and everything that comes with travel” you reason shaking your head.

“I’d pay for everything, don’t be stupid” he says quickly, “cmon just for the weekend then? you skip your Friday lecture all the time anyway what’s one more?”

you think for a second, biting your bottom lip and realizing you’ve only known this guy for the better half of a month. do things always move this quickly in relationships? you cant speak from experience, but before you think too long satoru is reaching across the table and taking your hand in his.

“it’s cherry blossom season and I’d want nothing more than to take you on a picnic under the beautiful trees” his cheeks are akin to those of the trees he mentioned and makes your stomach leap. “cmon you said it was on your bucket list didn’t you?”

you could feel your heart skip a beat, your face must’ve given away your surprise as he grins back at you. he remembered something you’d mentioned in passing? god he was making this harder than it should be.

when else would you get an expenses paid trip to japan and an f1 Grand Prix?

“i need to think about it” you say, his ears perk up and there’s a wide smile on his face that brings his dimples out.

“that’s not a no” he grins, you smile at him shaking your head.

“that’s not a yes either” you correct, squeezing his hand before letting go and finishing off your food.

he doesn’t bring it up for the rest of the night, instead appreciating every moment the two of you spend together, away from public eyes. satoru squeezes your hand a bit tighter, the sky a colorful painting of reds and oranges, a hue of pink blanketing the world around the two of you.

you sat in lecture on monday morning, only half paying attention to what your professor was talking about, messy notes on your tablet as your mind wandered.

what are the odds you miss something important on friday? satoru was right, you were already planning on skipping. satoru, you think, snowy hair and lashes to match, captivating blue eyes; what are the odds you come across him again?

who are you to fight against fate?

‘how much should i pack ? i am a chronic overpacker’ you type out, thumb hovering over the ‘send’ button before taking the leap and tapping it.

youre quick to put your phone on do not disturb and place it back in your pocket, figuring if you’re gonna miss lecture Friday you might as well take better notes now.

satoru was only half paying attention to what his manger was saying over the zoom call, chin resting in the palm of his hand as he listened. his phone lit up with your text, a wide smile immediately making its way onto his face as he grabbed it, reading your message.

“satoru are you paying attention?” his manager asks, slightly annoyed at the driver.

“media when we land, FIA wants me at the conference, tiktoks with george, a couple pre race interviews-” satoru continues to list off everything he’d been told perfectly, all while typing out a reply to you.

“oh could you book me a flight and an extra hotel room? I’m bringing someone this weekend” satoru grins, excited as his assistant nods yes.

satoru cheers, a bright smile into his camera as he waves goodbye to everyone and logs off the team call, finally settling on what to reply to you with.

‘pack as much as you want, I paid for a check in’

he can’t help but giggle, standing up from the table and flopping onto the hotel bed. satoru thought the image of the crushing schoolgirl was always an exaggeration, but the smile on his face and the swinging of his feet made him realize it was 100% true- and he was but a schoolgirl with a crush.

‘you already got me a flight?’

‘duh, wasn’t gonna risk you saying yes and me being unprepared :P’

you were trying your hardest to not smile, biting your lip and focusing on the music in your headphones. the suns rays beating down on you as you walked onto your bus, sitting near the back in case you did end up giggling at a message. (you failed miserably at hiding a smile.)

‘when does your flight leave?’

‘in an hour ish i think’

‘im headed to the airport now actually’

the two of you text the entirety of your bus ride and well after you get home. your phone rang after you’d set it down to focus on your work, satoru’s contact name flashing on the screen as you picked up the phone.

“hello?” you answered, a nervous laugh leaving your lips.

“hey! figured this is easier than texting so that you can do your work and stuff while we talk” satoru had a giant smile on his face, eyes looking out the window of the plane as he talked to you, “is that okay?” nervously bringing his bottom lip between his teeth.

“that’s perfect actually” you chuckle, “how was the airport?”

it didn’t feel like much time had passed since you answered the call, but as you looked out the window and how much work you’d gotten done you realized it been well over four hours. your eyes widened as you checked your phone as saw the length of the call

4:47:56

“oh my god it’s been almost five hours” you laugh, closing your laptop and putting it to charge. “unlike you i don’t have a flight attendant to give me food so” you trail off, realizing you’d forgotten to take out meat to thaw for dinner, takeout it is.

“alright alright, I’ll let you get back to life without me” satoru sighs dramatically, “have fun in the slow lane” he teases.

“oh please you’ll see me on friday” you laugh, “and i do not drive in the slow lane! you’re just used to going too fast in cars” you mumble, thankful he couldn’t see the wide smile on your face and the way you were playing with your hair.

the call went on for a bit longer, there was a pregnant pause between the two of you.

“I can’t wait to see you friday” satoru breathed out, staring at his lap before back out the plane window. everyone else on the small plane had fallen asleep already, trying to get a jump on the time zone shift. he should’ve been asleep hours ago, but he couldn’t bring himself to hang up on you.

“i can’t wait either, my second ever formula one race” you tease, “oh and you’ll be there too!” satoru rolls his eyes at you, smiling.

“haha very funny” his sarcastinf tone makes you grin.

“okay i seriously have to go now, let me know when you land?” you’re not sure of your words, it’s not like you were dating the guy.

“course i will, have a goodnight y/n” he says softly.

“goodnight satoru” you reply, a small smile on your face before hanging up. you’re stuck dumbfounded for a second, laughing before shaking your head, trying to get back to reality and not think about the tall, blue eyed man every moment possible.

lectures always seemed to drag on forever, but this week? eternal. especially on your final thursday lecture. had time always gone this slowly in class? your professors words were not the least bit interesting today, not compared to the thought of getting on a flight to japan for a Motorsport event.

not compared to hanging out with satoru again.

your fingers itched to text satoru, he’d been busy since he landed, with scarce texts sent your way. you didn’t want to seem too clingy, the thought of it scaring him away held you back from double texting him. he’d text you when he could, right?

finally lecture came to an end, you couldn’t help but breath a small sigh of relief as you packed your thing into you backpack and shuffled out with the rest of the class.

as if on cue your phone began to vibrate.

satoru

“hey” you smiled, pressing the phone closer to your ear as you tried to get out of the crowded hallway, going down the stairs and exiting out the side of the building.

“hey! is this a good time?” he asked, fiddling with the hotel duvet, the tv on as background noise.

“yeah i actually just got out of class- isn’t it night time over there?” you interrupt yourself, “shouldn’t you be getting eight hours of sleep or something?”

satoru can’t help but smile at your concern, “it’s only free practice tomorrow morning, just to get a feel of it all” he assures you, “what’re you up to?”

“heading to my bus stop actually! gonna get home and make sure I’ve got everything for my flight” you giggle, a little more bounce in your step as the time for your departure nears.

“do you need me to get you an Uber to the airport?” he questions, rubbing his burning eyes, refusing to give in to his exhaustion. just a couple more minutes, he told himself.

“nah my friend's dropping me off, but how am i getting to the hotel and stuff?” you’re beyond nervous for the whole trip, hands a bit sweaty just thinking about everything that could go wrong.

“I’ve got a driver picking you up, you might be tired so you don’t have to come to the free practices or anything, I’ll see you after they’re done, so maybe sometime in the afternoon” he replies, about to say something else when a yawn cuts him off.

“are you sleepy?” you ask, nearing your bus stop and internally cheering when an empty one arrives at the same time you do.

“just a bit, media was exhausting” he chuckles.

“why don’t you get some rest, we can talk all you want after i land” the words still don’t seem real to you, “you need to get sleep, satoru.”

“only because you keep insisting” he agrees, a dramatic tone in his voice that makes you smile. “goodnight y/n, can’t wait to see you tomorrow” he yawns as he speaks, eyes already fluttering shut.

“goodnight satoru, sweet dreams” you reply, biting back a grin as you hang up, your nerves at bay for now.

you should’ve known satoru booked you a first class seat, but you were still shocked when you sat down in the spacious seat.

‘how much did this ticket cost ????’

you didn’t expect a reply back, he was more than likely already at the race track getting ready for the first free practice.

‘don’t worry about price :) how’s the flight ?’

satoru had to be out in the garage in 30 minutes, his suit only half zipped as he sat in the room waiting for kento to come get him. he can’t help but think about you, how your flight was going, if you were regretting coming.

three sharp knocks on the door have him shooting you one last text ‘have to go :P’ before carelessly setting his phone on the counter and hastily putting the rest of his suit on.

“come in” he sing songs, knowing a familiar blonde headed man would be the one on the other side of the door. the door swings open only a moment after, kento giving satoru a small smile before stealing a piece of candy from his counter.

“you ready?” kento asks him, tossing satoru his gloves. “toto wants you to get a feel of the track, not pushing much this session” satoru nods at his words, following his friend out the door and into the bustling garage.

“alright let’s kick the weekend off!” satoru grins, grabbing his balaclava and helmet before putting them on and hopping behind the wheel.

you felt silly, really you felt like you were back in eighth grade and crushing on the star football player that everyone wanted. you especially felt silly asking you friend for their f1 tv login so you could watch the first free practice.

though satoru didn’t expect you to keep up with formula one and understand exactly how it worked, you’d figure if things were serious enough to fly you out to a different continent, you should at least understand what his greatest passion was. it was a rabbit hole you fell into one night, and multiple videos, google searches and questions to your friend later you had a basic understanding of the motorsport.

by the time you landed the second round of free practice was halfway underway, and as promised a driver was there to greet you and help with your bags.

“mr. gojo has arranged for you to have your own suite in the hotel,” the driver, ijichi, states. “however he has also asked me to give you a keycard to his room as well”, handing you two cards “in case you’d like to stay there instead.”

“oh thank you so much!” you exclaim, “I don’t have to check in or anything?” you ask, looking out the window in awe of the city around you.

“no, everything is set already” he says kindly, “and feel free to order anything for room service, if you’d like to go anywhere when he’s busy you can call my number” he hands you a small business card with a soft smile.

“oh wow thank you so much” you smile, “he really went all out huh.” ijichi smiles at you through the rearview mirror, nodding before focusing on the road again.

the hotel room was much larger and more expensive than you thought. you realized maybe you shouldn’t underestimate just how much money satoru had, and how willing he was to spend it on you.

curiosity got the best of you, setting your things down and walking into the hallway. the large window at the end of the hall caught your attention, your mouth falling agape when you saw just how close to the circuit you were. the cars seemed to fly on the track, and you found yourself looking for satoru’s. after a minute you headed back, finding his room and hesitantly putting the keycard up to the lock, heart racing when it actually unlocked the door.

satoru’s room was about the same as yours, and you could t help but snoop around. there were two beds in his room, whereas yours only had one. the notepad on the table has something written in it, you debated not reading it and minding your business. but you could only stop yourself for so long.

onigiri, strawberry sandos, chips?

the messy handwriting matched satoru's. was he thinking of foods to take on your picnic? the realization made your face heat up and your lips curl into a bashful smile. you stopped a giggle from leaving your lips, composing yourself before heading back to your own room.

your phone buzzed after a couple moments, speak of the devil.

‘just finished wrapping up, did you make it safe?’

you couldn’t stop a giggle from escaping this time, biting your bottom lip before typing out a reply.

‘yup !! just got to my room actually :3’

satoru smiled at his phone at your text, sending you a ‘see you soon then ;)’ before putting it in his pocket. as he exited the paddock a couple fans called out for him, making his step falter and head back to say hello, signing a few things before waving goodbye.

“good luck! we are all rooting for you!” one of them called out, he couldn’t help but smile widely, nodding before walking off. it hadn’t dawned on him really, the fact that it was his first ever home race in formula one. something he’d dreamed of since he first discovered the sport as a child.

he could feel his heart begin to race, hands getting a bit sweaty before he shook the thoughts out of his mind. he let his mind wander as he made the short walk to the hotel, catching himself grinning when he remembered you were waiting for him.

the soft knock on your door made your heart leap, unforeseen nerves surfacing as you thought about being face to face with the famed driver once again. a deep breath later you’re opening the door with a small smile, one that grows when satoru’s expression mirrors your own, growing in size upon seeing you.

“you really came” he breathes out, a relieved laugh leaving his mouth. “for a second i thought you were lying to me and had backed out” the admission made you gasp incredulously, smacking his arm and inviting him into your room.

“you wound me” you quipped back, “i wasn’t gonna leave you hanging, not after all the effort you’ve put into all this” your arms motioning to the room around you. satoru is glad his face a bit flushed from both the free practice and the walk here, or else you’d surely notice the prominent blush on his cheeks and ears.

“did you wanna go out today?” he asks, taking the liberty to sit on the edge of your bed, you’re quick to join him. despite having only known you for under a month, he could tell you were at odds as to what to say. “we can stay in, i know how exhausting flights can be.”

satoru’s toothy smile warmed your heart, his dimples seemed especially prominent today. you let your head rest on his shoulder letting out a small sigh.

“as much as i wanna go out and explore, yeah im exhausted” you chuckled. satoru couldn’t help but smile wider at the physical contact.

“how about we watch some movies and order in?” he suggests, wrapping his arm around you and pulling you down so the two of you were laying on your backs.

you turn to look at him, nodding your head as your eyes traced over his features. his hair was somehow still fluffy, blue eyes softly meeting yours. he couldn’t take his eyes off you, he didn't know someone could look as stunning as you do after a flight.

“sounds perfect” you whisper, eyes briefly landing on his lips before focusing back on his eyes.

satoru excused himself after ordering food, going to shower and change before coming back to your room to join you for the night.

it felt like the two of you were back in a bubble. just you and satoru getting to know each other, feelings growing after every exchanged glance and shared laugh. it didn’t feel like you’d met him three weeks ago, everything about him felt familiar. being with him felt safe, it felt right.

satoru felt it too, and it thrilled him. the warm feeling in his chest anytime he saw you, the way he couldn’t help but let his gaze linger on you a beat longer than normal.

it was during a stolen glance that the two of you caught each other, bursting into a fit of laughter before calming down.

“i thought you were watching the movie” you accused, tone playful as you look at satoru. he was leaning back on his arms, a charming smile on his lips as he cocked his head at your words.

“why should i? you aren’t watching it either” he shot back, smile never faltering as you crossed your arms over your chest.

“yes i am!” you defended, “you’re the one who keeps looking at me” satoru grins, leaning in a bit into your personal space.

satoru was confident and cocky when he wanted to be. but he was never one to make the first move, too scared to mess things up. it was the reason he hadn’t kissed you yet, despite having taken you out on multiple dates. with every centimeter he leaned closer, his heart rate rivaled the speed of it pounding in his chest during a race.

his face was only inches away from yours as he replied back, “too pretty to not look at.” the words have your face hot and heart pounding, your brain all over the place.

thankfully you didn’t have to think about what you wanted to do next. instead you bit the bullet and closed the space between the two of you, lips crashing onto his. satoru was quick to move a hand to cup your cheek, shifting it to the back of your neck to deepen the kiss after a moment.

you let your hands wander, tangling your fingers in his hair before traveling the expanse of his back and finding their way to his chest. pushing gently when you desperately needed a breath of fresh air.

even as you two pulled away your senses were consumed with him. you nose filled with the smell of his cologne and body wash mixed together, making your brain feel even fuzzier than it already was.

satoru was not much better, his mind in a haze as he tried to reel himself back in. the taste of your lips and the feeling of your hands on him stuck in his mind.

the end credits of the movie began to roll, causing the two of you to snap your heads to the screen before looking back at each other and laughing once more.

“i didn’t pay attention at all” you confessed, a shy smile on your face when satoru’s mouth dropped open.

“after you chewed me out for not paying attention!” he gasps, wrapping his arms around you and tackling you back onto the bed, “neither was i” he admits, laughing when you smack his chest.

there’s a moment of silence that blankets the room, a comfortable silence. it’s only broken by satoru’s phone buzzing, making him apologize and grabbing his phone to read the text notification.

suguru geto 11:37 pm

good luck tmrw

you take the opportunity to go to the restroom, coming back to find satoru laying on his back staring blankly at the ceiling. you’re quiet as you join him back in bed, laying next to him and glancing over at him.

“nerves?” you whisper, he gives you a convincing enough nod. satoru was not prepared to lay everything out for you, not tonight.

“first ever home race” he breathes in, sighing after a while before flipping to face you. “glad I’ve got you with me though” he grins. you blush, nodding your head before placing a chaste kiss to his lips.

the second movie was a failure as well, with both of you talking over it (and making out) the entire first half and falling asleep for the second half.

the next morning satoru is up before you, his eyes fluttering open and gaze settling on your sleeping form. he can’t describe the feeling in his chest, the feeling of waking up next to you. it’s something he wants to relive over and over again.

tomorrow, he decides. he’s asking you out tomorrow.

when you wake up there’s a note sitting on your nightstand. it’s satoru’s handwriting, written when he was still half asleep you assume from how messy it is.

left for free practice but I’ll see you at qualifying?? <3 :)

there’s a small doodle of a race car and two stick figures you can only assume are you and him. you can’t help but smile, folding the paper and putting it into your suitcase for safekeeping.

satoru feels good enough after the third free practice, getting out of the car with a smile. he’s quick to take his gear off, heading over to where kento was sitting to go over the strategy they had planned for qualifying.

you decide to head over to the paddock early, beating the crowds for qualifying so you don’t get lost or in the way. before long you’re in the Mercedes garage, with satoru’s assistant smiling at you and waving you over.

“satoru just went to the restroom but he’ll be back soon! you can wait here in his room” she opens the door and you thank her softly, looking around before taking a seat.

the door swings open, with satoru’s eyes seemings glowing with joy as he spots you.

“you’re here early! i didn’t think I’d see you until after qualis” he grins. you can’t help but be in awe of satoru in his racing suit, with the fireproofs hugging his body perfectly. as much as you try to not focus on how perfectly sculpted he is, you can’t keep your eyes off him. “hey now my eyes are up here” he teases, putting a finger underneath your chin and gently pushing it upwards.

“dunno what you’re talking about” you smile, “been looking at those pretty eyes this whole time.” satoru’s skin flushes, a smile on his lips before he’s pressing them onto yours, giggling into the kiss before pulling away.

“well now that you’re here do you want a tour?” you’re quick to nod yes, making his smile widen as he takes your hand in his and walks you out of the room.

satoru begins pointing and explaining everything, going into detail about more important things and how they contribute to the race. there’s movement all around you, with satoru speaking quite loudly so you can hear over the chaos of everyone prepping things before qualifying.

there’s a sparkle in his eye as he explains what the engineers do, his hands moving expressively as he looks at you, excited to see you’re paying attention to him still. “this is obviously the car, usually there’s more work being done around it but since we can’t make changes anymore it gets some time alone” he jokes, making you giggle as he takes your hand again, leading you out into the sunlight.

“so this is the pit lane, where the pit stops happen” he rambles on about pit stops for a second, pointing across the lane where the race engineers sit and explaining quickly how they communicate with him during the race.

satoru also explains to you what qualifying is all about, make it in the top 15 in Q1, then top 10 in Q2 then as best as you can in in Q3.

before long you’re wishing satoru luck, squeezing his hands and placing a kiss on his cheek. you head up to the seating area you’d been told and watch as he puts his helmet on before getting in the car, people surrounding him as they talk about god knows what.

soon enough he’s exiting the garage and into the pit lane, the first round of qualifying fast underway. he’s one of the last ones to set a time, landing himself in P14, a fact that made your palms sweat, knowing if he’d been a couple seconds slower he would’ve been out.

by the start of Q2 satoru pulls himself together, mind focusing only on the track and the car. he lands himself in P8, talking to the race engineers and tweaking his strategy to try and improve before the final round.

your fingers are crossed when he heads out for the final round of qualifying, bottom lip between your teeth as he pushes on his final attempt for a better starting position.

“and satoru gojo manages to land himself in P5! a rocky start to todays qualifying for the rookie but it seems as though he’s ready to take on his first ever home race” the commentator speaks.

you can’t help but cheer along with the others in the garage, beyond excited and proud of satoru as you join them outside to watch him pull into the assigned position.

it’s a sight to behold as he gets out of the car, pulling his baclava off his head with an open mouth smile. he finds you in the crowd almost instantly, winking at you before going to do his post race duties.

you wait for him in the garage, smiling when he finds you with a smile on his face.

“i told you you’d be amazing” you praise, letting him pull you into a hug despite being quite sweaty. “are you done for the day?”

satoru shakes his head, “not yet, I’ve got some media stuff and a debrief to go over data from right now” he sighs. “you can head back to the hotel and we can get dinner when I’m done?” he grins as you agree, saying goodbye to you before heading back into the garage.

true to his word satoru takes you out to dinner, treating you to only the best food as you two talk about anything and everything. you try and coax him into heading back early, but he refuses, taking your hand and pulling you through the city.

after two hours in the city satoru finally agreed to head back to the hotel, fingers interlocked with yours as you swung your arm back and forth with his.

“you’re nervous again” it comes out as more of a statement than a question. satoru sighs, staring at the sky while the two of you sit on a bench near the hotel.

“i don’t want to disappoint anyone, you know?” his voice is a bit shaky, “everyone has such high expectations of me because of how I’ve been doing and it’s getting to me a bit i guess” he changes his focus from a drifting cloud to picking at his nails, leg bouncing a bit.

“you’re going to do great out there” your hand makes its way to his thigh, squeezing reassuringly before taking his hands in yours. “and even if everything goes wrong and you get dead last you’ll still be my favorite driver,” satoru can’t help but smile, shaking his head and looking at you.

you end up staying in satoru’s room that night, despite your protests. he left you no choice when he grabbed your room keycard and held it above his head. you voiced your fear of getting in the way of whatever pre race rituals he does, to which he simply giggled and kissed you.

“i think cuddling can be a new pre race ritual of mine instead” he had replied, a coy smile on his face when you gave in and got into bed with him.

the next morning is a whirlwind as you head to the paddock with satoru. the two of you entering through a lesser used gate, one moment you were wishing him luck and kissing him on the cheek, the next he was already out of the garage and behind a Red Bull in the formation lap.

you help your breath as the five lights went out, watching on the edge of your seat as all 20 cars reacted quickly, fighting to get to the front.

“and the rookie tries to get the inside line on piastri but is unable to! pushed down to 7th place as alonso and norris over take him.” you let out a sigh as you listen to the commentator.

satoru stays in seventh for the better half of the race, managing to exit the pits before the mclaren in 6th and taking his spot. satoru is gains on alonso after a while, enabling DRS on a straight and managing to overtake him just before the turn.

a cheer erupts in the garage, with you nervously clapping as you stare at the monitor, a smile on your face as he fights to catch up to Ferrari ahead of him. soon enough he’s right behind him on a turn, pushing just enough to manage to get the inside line and successfully pass leclerc, putting himself in 4th place.

one more place for podium, you think. there was only a slight moment of peace when the standings were consistent for a good couple of laps, until satoru was close enough to 3rd to finally overtake them. the garage claps as he gained on the red bull in second place, with only a handful of laps left the chance of moving up a place was becoming slimmer.

“and we are in the final lap, with satoru gojo alarmingly close to Perez, could the rookie manage to snag second place in his first home race?”

“it seems like he might- he has DRS enabled and it pushing to pass Perez and he’s going to do it!” your mouth is agape in shock before you begin to cheer, smiling widely as he races by the checkered flag.

you can hear satoru cheering through the radio, the sound makes your heart grow warm. the entire garage is cheering, with everyone hugging each other and celebrating his success. everyone moves outside to greet satoru behind the barricades, with him throwing himself into his mechanics before even taking off his helmet.

when he finally does take his helmet off he’s looking for you, smiling widely when his blue eyes meet yours. he gets weighed and interviewed quickly, excitement over flowing as he answers questions with a giddy smile on his face the entire time.

as the podium ceremony begins you smile softly when satoru walks out, the crowd cheering loudly for their countryman as he waves. he finds you in the crowd again during the Dutch national anthem, sending you a wink as he claps when it ends.

the crowd cheers louder for him as he gets handed his trophy, holding it up proudly before setting it down as the celebratory music plays, being showered in champagne by the two Red Bull racers before he gets the chance to even pop his open.

when you see him again he’s pulling you in by the waist, smiling happily when you press your lips to his. he tastes like the champagne he was dripping in, the two of you are smiling into the kiss, giggling by the time you pull away.

“see? you had no reason to worry” you say, satoru smiles at you, his attention fully fixed on you. “my favorite driver” you grin, pressing another kiss to his cheek. it takes everything in him to not just ask you out then and there, not wanting to spend another moment with the thought of you never joining him again.

his name being called stops him, and he’s snapped back into reality.

“I’ve got some interviews i need to do and some stuff to make and film- but how does a picnic sound?” he asks.

“sounds perfect” you reply, “now go before they ban me for being too distracting” you push him softly, making him laugh before he’s giving you one last kiss, heading over to the social media coordinator.

it’s astounding to you the difference in demeanor satoru has now, sitting next to you atop a picnic blanket, compared to how he was during the race. the usual sure footed and confident formula one driver is gone, replaced by a nervous and bashful version of him.

“thank you for bringing me” you say, ending the beat of silence. “and thank you for the food too, it was really good,” you smile, relieved to see satoru smile back at you, slowly growing in confidence once again.

“i did tell you the convenience store was the right move” he quips, nudging your shoulder with his own.

“convenient, some would even say” you retort, giggling when he rolls his eyes and acts as if he’s scooting away from you. “you fly me out to japan just to scoot away from me?” you gasp, your lips turning upwards when satoru turns his back to you with a smile. “you know i think max might be my favorite driver” you say, laughing when he immediately snaps to face you with furrowed brows and a scowl on his face.

“that is so not fair!” he cries out, tackling you with a hug that causes both of you to fall backwards on the blanket. “take it back! say I’m your favorite!” he can’t help the smile on his face while he’s looking at you, hair a mess against the blanket.

“okay, okay you’re still my favorite driver” you admit, biting back a smile when you see how much his face lights up at your words. the spring breeze hits the two of you as you sit back up, cherry blossom petals falling around the two of you against a sky painted pinks and reds to match.

“i really like you” satoru blurts out, his gaze switching between his fidgeting hands and your face. you’re tempted to make a witty remark, something about you’d hope so after three week, but you hold your tongue.

“i didn’t think I’d find something serious, i wasn’t really- it wasn’t something high on my priority list you know?” he lets out a breathy laugh. “i told myself i was only gonna focus on driving, getting better and being the best, no time for anything else, no distractions,” you’re watching him intently, trying to read his facial expression when he’s looking at you.

was he breaking up with you? or was he-

“but you’re not a distraction, and i want to make time for you” his blue eyes are locked on yours now, no hints of uncertainty in his voice as he continues. “i want to be with you more than anything else; be by your side, have you cheering me on and celebrating after you pass exams, be able to just talk with you” he smiles.

“will you be mine?” satoru finally asks.

there’s a million thoughts in your head as you process his words, hundreds of reasons why you should say yes and thousands of what if’s. what about his schedule? and how much he travels and time zones and stress and school and-

there’s another gust of wind that causes more cherry blossoms to fall from the sky, landing over the two of you. you can hear a bird singing and you wonder if the universe itself is rooting for the two of you. a blossom falls perfectly on your face, landing on your cheek, it makes you smile.

“yes” your cheeks hurt from the smile on your face as you wrapped your arms around him, “of course yes!”

satoru meets your gaze with equal happiness as his arms immediately wrapped around you, squeezing your tightly. he lets out a sigh of relief, a wide smile on his face as he peppers your face with kisses. the two of you radiate the epitome of romance as you’re in each others embrace, with hearts practically forming as the two of you look at each other.

the night is spent in each others arms, giggles and dumb conversations filling the hotel room until late into the night. silly anecdotes and surprisingly deep questions keep the two of you from falling asleep, even when you both admit to your eyes burning from exhaustion.

“i don’t wanna go to sleep yet” he whispers, “because then it’s less time with you before your flight” the sadness in his voice is evident, and your tone mirrors it when you respond.

“me either” you sigh, one hand brushing the snowy hair out his his eyes and exposing his forehead a bit, “but then we’re both going to exhausted tomorrow” a small smile on your lips when satoru chuckles softly.

“yeah you’re right” he yawns, scooting closer to you before speaking up, “still can’t believe i won.”

“second place in your first year driving is an insane win” you agree, “you’re so talented, I’m so proud of you.” the words hit closer to his heart than satoru anticipated, breath hitching n his throat as he quickly regains composure and smiles.

“oh that too” he nods, “but i was talking about you being my partner” even as he utters the sentence he can’t help but get giddy, heart flipping as he watches a smile fight its way into your lips.

“you’ve had a great day haven’t you?” you ask with a smile, laughing when he nods happily in response.

the next morning both of you are beyond exhausted, a consequence of sleeping a mere four hours. neither of you regret it, only laughing it off as the two of you pack your bags up.

satoru would be heading back to his house in Monaco for the by-week before heading to shanghai for the chinese grand prix. you’d be heading back to your apartment for university and trying to catch up on work you could’ve been doing the entire weekend; you don’t worry about that yet, not when you have a 6’3 formula one driver by your side as you head to the airport.

“you’ll call me when you land?” he asks, a pout on his lips despite your nodding. “I’m gonna miss you so much” he sighs, pulling you into him by the waist and crashing his lips to yours.

you pull away after a moment, chasing his lips with a quick peck before sighing. “me too” you frown, “but we’ll call and text right?” the thousands of what if’s flood your mind as you look up at him, eyes frantically searching his face.

“you’re gonna be annoyed of me texting you” he smiles, kissing your cheek and extending out his pinky, “i pinky promise to call and text.”

you smile widely at his gesture, linking your pinky with his and shaking it softly, “i pinky promise to call and text.” satoru beams down at you, kissing you one last time.

you had barely sat down at your gate when your phone buzzed, a bashful smile on your face as you read the notification.

satoru <3

‘hi :3’

two what if’s were loudest in your head as you typed out your responsed; what if it worked out? what if it really was meant to be?

taglist: @chilichopsticks @anime-for-the-sleepless @safaia-47 @nanamikentoseyebags @fushironi @nineooooo @the-mom-friend-dot-com @gojoshooter @beautiful-is-boring @sweetheart-satoru @luna0713hunter @torusmochi @kentocalls @sadmonke @cactisjuice @thewondrousdreamer @beaniebaby12 @kenmacantakemeaway

[loveackermannn]

Can u maybe do a college au levi x reader where they're super close friends with feelings for one another. And there's this project they have to work on and reader is struggling. She's never really been good with grades and she's barely passing her classes.

She gets super frustrated and starts pulling all nighters for a whole week to get the project done. She starts skipping meals and isn't hanging out with Levi as much anymore. Saying that he's super worried is an understatement. Hes never seen you like this.

One night while you were working on ur project, he got up and off of the top bunk and walked up to your desk (you both share a room). He began slowly massaging ur shoulders, telling you to go to sleep already.

After a lot of bickering back and forth, you agreed. You both cuddled against each other and fell asleep. It was the best sleep hes had in a long time.

Have a nice day♡♡

☰ MORE THAN ENOUGH.ೃ࿐𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

It wasn't supposed to get this bad – It wasn't.

While you did expect the late nights to bleed into the early hours of the morning considering how much you decided to dedicate your time for the final semester project, you didn't think it would be difficult. But fuck, was it draining you to the absolute core. On top of that, it didn't calm the fact that you were on the edge of final grades as you couldn't manage past a C+. You were trying your best, you really were.

And one person could very well see that on the sideline.

"Hey."

You instinctively jolted at the husk of the voice you could only recognize as your best friend who held nothing but earnest and concern. He rested his head in the palm of his hand as he peeked from the top bunk of your shared bed, comfortably dressed in sweats and a plain shirt. He'd been eyeing you from a distance, not wanting to disrupt the groove you had going on for a few hours – but that was the issue. You had been glued at your desk for god knows how long and he can't even recall the last time you actually sat down for a meal with him.

Visibly, he seemed cross with you for completely neglecting your needs.. and admittedly, him too. You spare him a glance once your attention was directed away from the damned laptop that Levi internally despised for keeping you up so many nights in a row – Childish it may seem, but all he wanted was for you to take a break.

"What is it, Levi? I really need to finish this project or I won't pass the class. You already know how my grades are looking right now, I cant afford-"

Suddenly, you felt the sheets ruffle from above as he began to make his way down the ladder and over to your desk. Your eyes finally met his for the first time in a while and from what he could tell, your undereyes darkened with each day and night that passed – It was almost as bad as his.

His features softened only for you while two fingers hooked underneath your chin, forcing your gaze upwards to him.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"I don't.. know," you shrug, wanting to look away in shame for knowing well that you hadn't been taking care of yourself the way that you should have. But, he kept your head trained exactly where he wanted. He narrowed his eyes to you and decided to press on more – with such gentleness, of course.

"Hm. You know it's not good for you to be doing this. I understand you have a lot to do, but cramming all of it in a number of days isn't healthy. You could've just asked me to help you, you don't have to go through this alone."

You knew he had you. There wasn't much you could say nor object – the papers and assignments on your desk were long forgotten the moment he spoke out to you. His palm traced down to your shoulder as you couldn't do anything but merely give into his careful touch.

"Turn around, I'll ease up your neck and shoulders. Is that okay?"

"Of course."

Your body faced back to your now dimly lit computer and you soon came to realize how strained your eyes felt to any sort of brightness. So, you opted for closing your eyes entirely as Levi worked out the tender knots and muscles that have built up over the past week. It felt so good to finally relax like this.

"Damn, you're tense. All 'cause of that fucking laptop.."

You groaned in response while he continued his ministrations on your back and neck, to which he softly smiled to himself – You deserved to rest.

"I want to pass though, Levi..."

At that, it caused him to raise a brow at you questionably, wondering why you put so much pressure on yourself when you've been doing the most these past few months to achieve your goal. "You are passing. I don't understand why you're so fixated on your grades when you're not even failing."

You took a breath, "You don't get it. I want to get better grades than last semester. Or else.."

He paused for a moment, turning you back around to face him directly and his hands continued to rest on your shoulders as he waited patiently for you to finish.

"Or else what?"

"I'll be a failure..."

Oh that did it for him.

Immediately, your face met the hardened surface of his chest while his arms wrapped around you tightly – safe, warm and secure. It's what you've craved for a really long time.

"Listen to me closely, yeah?" He feels you nod against him which gave him the cue to continue, "You're not a failure, you hear me? No matter what those shitty grades come out to be, it doesn't and will never define who you are. Your hard work has already proven how determined you are and you're not giving yourself as much credit as you should be. You're too hard on yourself. Let me take care of you for now, okay doll? You can rest for a while, you've done more than enough and I'm so damn proud of you."

It was rare for Levi to ever console someone like this, but only for you would he ever keep you safe within the home of his arms whenever things get rough or even when it had been a long day for the both of you. You missed this and every word that he spoke, rang through your ears with nothing but the truth.

You felt bitter tears prick at the corners of your eyes as he only embraced you tighter, not daring to let go in the slightest. Your own arms finally lifted from your sides, coming to wrap around his waist to further secure you into him. Soft sobs were muffled into the fabric of his shirt, but he made no move to let you cry anywhere else.

"I'm sorry.. I just got too carried away and I haven't been communicating with you and-"

He pulls away to cradle your face in the calloused, but gentle palms of his hands, wiping away the streams of tears that trailed down your face, "Shh shh, it's okay doll. You're okay, just take deep breaths for me. In and out.."

Everything was always going to be okay with him.

Wordlessly, he tugged you along into the living room where the two fo you shared many movie nights and midnight talks – a space of comfort that felt familiar. Levi laid down first, then opened his arms as an invitation for you to finally settle down on him.

You wasted no time in making yourself comfortable on his chest, finding a spot on the crook of his neck to rest your head. His hands met the small of your back with his fingers threading through the delicate strands of your hair. While you felt your eyes come to a close, Levi's lips brushed against your forehead and his hand reached up to smooth your hair back as he quietly whispered, "I've got you. I always will."

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand) 

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.  ҉   next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it. 

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge. 

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too. 

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view. 

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”. 

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute. 

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets. 

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance. 

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?” 

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over. 

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae. 

looking hot, her message read. 

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[magpiemorality]

Platonic intruality with Remus as Patton’s guardian angel :0? Idk it’s an idea I had that I don’t think I could execute well but I think you could!! If I may add one more thing, could it be hurt comfort? I don’t wanna specify more because I wanna see what you do with it!!! (Okay bye now ily!)

This spiraled into something monstrous and painful and very, very cathartic. I hope it doesn’t hurt anyone to read, do watch the warnings. And remember; it is a story, and not an instruction booklet. Because of subject matter I’ve put a little summary in so there’s more warning about what’s coming!

And to you Chris, thanks for the prompt. It was special to write, in many ways.

The Hardest Fight Of All

Guardian Angel Remus has been assigned to help Patton Abbott, a sweet high school student with a very normal, decent life; nothing easy to spot for Remus to fight. But if the threat isn’t from outside, then it may be coming from within.

Warnings: Mental Health Issues, negativity, Unreliable Narrator, Self-Esteem Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Emotional self-harm, what might be construed as bad handling of an individual with mental health issues, death mention (metaphorical). 

AO3

***

Patton Abbot didn't deserve his guardian angel. No really. He was sure he was nice enough, and he tried to be kind to everyone he could and forgive anyone that did him harm, but he didn't deserve a guardian angel for that! He wasn't in much danger, he didn't have a lot to complain about, with his perfectly normal life and normal parents and normal school. He even had normal friends! It felt selfish to have a guardian angel when he wasn't suffering at all really, and he hadn't earned it through doing anything particularly good either.

His guardian angel loudly, passionately and regularly disagreed, but Patton had yet to be convinced. Remus was lovely, but there were so many more deserving people that needed his help! He was flattered Remus seemed to enjoy being his guardian angel and hanging around with him but it was probably only because he was forced, and Patton was good at acting nice so at least he hoped he wasn't making the angel's job too awful.

That was if you asked Patton, at least. Remus would have a different perspective on things. But Patton hadn't... actually asked him? Because he was so obviously lying when he insisted Patton did deserve his presence and protection, because Patton didn't deserve it.

Over time though, something changed. Remus started to lose his glow, his wings began to droop and he stopped skipping and floating around above the ground, steps dragging heavier and heavier on the floor. Patton was terrified, constantly checking in with him because Remus was too important to feel bad, or get sick, or whatever it was that was happening! Patton had to help him!

When he woke up one morning to find Remus leaning on the windowsill, gazing despondently out at the garden and the rest of the houses he started to really panic. He had to be hurting the angel somehow, but how?! And how could he fix it?!

"Remus? What- what's up bud? You know you can always talk to me right? I think you're awesome, and you deserve to be happy!"

"I'm not so sure."

"You do!" Patton insisted, placing a hand between his wing joints on his back. "You do so much good, you're always taking care of me and you're so kind and lovely and fun and you-"

"It's taken me a while, you know," Remus interrupted. Patton went quiet apart from a soft, questioning hum. "To figure out why I was sent to you."

Ah. "Well it must have been a mistake, like I said before, but that's okay, you can consider-"

"Patton for the love of the sky and the stars; shut up."

Patton shut up, trying not to let the harshness hurt. He knew he'd been babbling on a bit, so it was probably his own fault, and after all even angels only had a certain amount of patience. And Patton knew he was annoying. But it still hurt just a little bit.

Remus rounded on him, eyes alight for the first time in weeks. He grabbed Patton by the shoulders and steered him back to the bed, sitting him down on the edge firmly and moving back to pace in front of him. Patton waited, still conscious of the reprimand, until Remus finally burst.

"I can't believe it took me so long! Honestly, I wasn't sure there was much to do here; you seemed so happy so much of the time, and you get along with almost everyone! Sure there's the odd bully, but its only ever in situations you put yourself into knowing they'll come, like that video channel thing of yours, and I suppose I assumed you realised you could just leave if you didn't want to see it all. You were so nice to them, too nice! But even when I visited them, sorted that out for you, or got you to spend time away from it, you were still... so hurt. And now, now I see the true problem. It's worse than I thought, and I'm- I'm so sorry I didn't see before, but I'm also angry, and it's not at you but it is-"

Unsurprising, Patton thought. That made sense, after all.

"Because the evil that I'm supposed to battle for you... is you."

Slightly more surprising. "Come again?" Patton asked, apologising quickly for speaking up. Remus bared his teeth as fury flashed over his face, flaring bright again for a moment. He looked... terrifying, but glorious. An angel in battle.

"There is no greater threat to you than yourself. And I don't know how to fight that! I'm angry because I'm sad; why would you attack yourself so viciously day after day, hour after hour, word after word and never afford yourself a single iota of the kindness you afford others?!" He stopped, chest heaving, and Patton felt the weight of an expected answer. He couldn't reply, just shrugging, which only set Remus off again. "You, the nasty horrible thing inside you, it's killing you! You feel like you're dying, and you just let it happen. I don't- I don't know how to fight that, I don't think I can fight that, and you just- " He growled, his morningstar appearing, only partially there, for him to swing in fury. "Everything they say to you that you rail against in public, you bite back against if those very words are turned on your friends with no mercy, you say the same things in your own head. You are so awful to yourself, you're just like them! I cant fight that!"

Patton swallowed. "It's not a big deal," he said weakly, heart hammering in his ribcage.

"But it is! And I can't do my job if you're the one stopping me at every turn! You don't even know you're doing it, or maybe you do and just pretend you don't, I'm not even sure anymore. But you desire so much better, why can't you take your own damn advice?! I don't- I don't think you even want to feel better sometimes, you've turned your suffering into so much of your identity. Do you actually like being this way...?" He cut off, narrowing his eyes at Patton suspiciously. Patton felt part of him squirm under that gaze, but another small part was quietly begging for the angel to go on, to finish lancing this horrid, deep-seated, ancient boil of Bad.

"It's not fair!" Remus finished. "You're doing it to yourself! Do you know how easy that is to stop?!"

Those were the words that finally got Patton up on his feet. Because no matter the truth of the rest of it; that was a lie. "It's not easy! It's not!" Thoughts of therapy and mental health diagnoses and the difficult of facing everything alone when it was easier to just suffer and frame it in martyrdom and help everyone and hope, pray that one day someone would help him too.

(And then push it away away away when that same help was offered back, falling into misery when that endless push- desperately testing his friends to their limits because he knew they'd get tired eventually- turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy as they ran out of support to throw against his walls of self-hatred and negativity)

Remus stepped forwards until they were chest to chest, gazing down from his height, fully blazing bright in the innocuous setting of Patton's bedroom. "But it is. If you want to."

Patton sat down again with a thump, feeling faint and nauseous. There was a moment of silence before he burst into tears, pulling his knees up to hide his face in. He wasn't even sure why he was crying. Because of the horrible cruel words? Because he didn't deserve even this harsh kindness (that felt like staring at the sun without protection or touching electricity, raw and painful and unfiltered for his comfort) after how awful he'd been? Because... because it felt terrible to even think about the fact that this could be his fault in some way?! And now Remus hated him just like the rest and he was going to leave and Patton would be alone and-

Two warm, gentle hands came up to cup his face and tilt it back into view, and Remus was there, looking stern and serious but not angry anymore. The relief that flooded through Patton was almost euphoric, like the weight of the entire sky lifted back up off his lungs. "I can't fight this battle alone, Patton," the angel said. "And I can't fight it at all if you don't truly, deeply, one hundred percent want me to fight it. To do that you need to understand that it's your battle too, that you have to put your armour on and go to war alongside me, if we're to have any chance at success. Because right now you're on their side, and you're sabotaging us from within."

"But it's my condition! My brain doesn't-"

"You think I don't know about that?" Remus frowned, rubbing his cheeks gently. "You've got medication. You've got a therapist, you have people who are trying their hardest to love and support you. But you can't survive the ocean on a raft of other people's making. It will stop you sinking, for a time- perhaps even for a long time, but you won't get any closer to shore unless you start to paddle. And as you paddle you'll also have to patch up any cracks in the raft with your own hands, perhaps with the materials you're given but the work to stitch it all together and sail it has to be your own. It's- I'm not a fan of metaphors but do you see? You can't be the only one not contributing to your own recovery."

"I'm not recovering from anything, I just have a negative self image and... and some other things. But they're bad! They're not things you get better from-" Patton tried, voice trembling and weak. Remus just looked at him, hands still on his face.

"Aren't they?" He asked simply. "You don't think you could ever manage to feel better than you do right now? You think all the stories of people improving their lives are... made up? You think, perhaps, that the medication is all a placebo, that once you've labelled the problem it's made permanent and nothing can ameliorate the symptoms or make life easier to live?" The angel leaned in and dropped a kiss to Patton's forehead, leaving a warm tingling in its wake. "The world would burn, if that were true," he whispered, before standing up.

Patton just kept on sitting in silence, face itching as his tears started to dry on his skin.

Remus gave him a small but real smile. "You've got plenty to think about. Consider my pitch; without you I will continue to fight the war, hopeless though it may be, but with you..." He grinned properly then. "Oh the things we could achieve, dear one."

And off he vanished, in a flutter of feathers and the sound of moving light.

It left Patton feeling as though, in the space of only maybe half an hour, the entire world had changed around him. He wondered, as he lay down on his bed, exhausted and reaching for his favourite plushie for comfort, whether what Remus said was what his therapist secretly wanted to say. It was a funny thought, mild-mannered Dr Picani ranting like the passionate angel, but Patton barely managed a lift of his lips. He needed to rest, and then he'd start to think about all this. If it wasn't true, if the angel was mistaken, seeing things that weren't there because of how boring it was being Patton's guardian; then nothing really needed to change except he would renew his efforts to get Remus reassigned.

If it was true though? Then that changed everything, and Patton Abbott would have a lot of hard work ahead.

He wished he knew which one he was hoping for.

-

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Alleycat

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  

The story of the Erasure villain: Alley Cat and his heroic kittens. Aizawa, a rather nomadic villain, accidentally acquires two teenagers and a four-year-old. It's not the most conventional family, but it'll do.

villain aizawa: hes incredibly brutal and efficient, kind of an antihero type. he shuts down some things the heroes dont see, patrols the sketchy areas, looks out for children

he kinda,,, accidentally adopted some children

shinsou and izuku were runaways from a terrible foster home that tracked down the 'villain' alleycat and basically said

"are we worth anything to anyone?" and aizawa sees these kids hurt by heroics and takes them under his wing

eri is a kid izuku stumbled upon while out with shinsou before they met aizawa, and izuku basically adopted her straight out, came back to shinsou like "hi we have a little sister now" they are like 12, eri is 4

so aizawa accidentally gets 2 teens and a lil kid and he finds out they lowkey wanna be villains like him bc they wanna help and heroes dont help people like them. aizawa's heart breaks bc he doesn't want these kids to have the life he's had, so he promises to train hitoshi and izuku only if they try for the hero course

they agree. a villain begins to train heroes to enter the very thing that hurt them, with hopes of changing it from the inside out

ok also: in this au whatever horrible thing happened to shirakumo,,,, didnt. and he's 1A's homeroom teacher. hes bright, bubbly and cheerful, with the same expulsion rate aizawa has

so, shirakumo's hero name is cloud nine, hizashi's is feedback, not present mic. they both think aizawa is dead, and separately have to deal with the villain 'alleycat' as his territory intersects w ua's zone

aizawa, as alleycat, is a lot gentler to shirakumo and hizashi, more polite when speaking to them, less brutal with his takedowns. hizashi notices, but says nothing

hitoshi and izuku, with their baby sister eri, end up living with aizawa, training to be heroes to improve them fucked up society that taught them they were worthless in the  first place

he takes them on parkour routes in the early morning, teaches them how to disarm people with knives, to use an opponents size against them.

izuku hones his ability to analyse, hitoshi learns how to push peoples buttons. there is no such thing as a fair fight for them. they break each others noses, chip a tooth or two, get black eyes. there are no hard feelings, they are together through everything

the 4 of them live pretty rough, only on what aizawa can get as a villain/working day shifts in a dodgy bar. aizawa pretends to be their dad for anything legal, says they had two different mothers. it works, somehow.

Some minor cosmetic changes:

Izuku, Hitoshi and Eri all dye their hair black. It started as them quietly wanting to look like their ‘dad’ for sentimental reasons, but they quickly worked out that it made the lie a lot easier for others to swallow.

They all take the surname Aizawa

Eri’s hair is cut into a messy bob – she loves getting Izuku to give her pigtails with the little sparkly hair ties Shouta stole for her. Izuku’s hair is shorter at the back and longer at the front, obscuring his eyes a bit. Hitoshi’s hair is shoulder length and growing, he ties it back in a low bun.

All three of the kids have scars. Eri’s are like canon but a less extreme because her quirk only just showed up. Izuku and Hitoshi have some from bullies, horrible foster parents and reckless sparing. Izuku has a few more little ones because he developed his not-dad’s love of cats and is unafraid of getting bitten – on top of his lack of self-preservation.

they go to aldera middle school, bakugo is still a little shit. to be honest, izuku hates it the most when bakugo burns his uniform - they cant afford to buy extra. there have been a few weeks hes just had to where shinsou's spare and roll the sleeves up

izuku and shinsou have a bit of a spat the afternoon of the sludge villain. it's nothing either of them remembers in a weeks time, but it means shinsou leaves school first, without izuku

bakugo corners him, notebook, allmight, etc

izuku has to ask

all might says no

izuku crumbles, such a dramatic shift from the calm but nice boy he'd been before. you can see the moment his heart breaks. all might feels terrible, but izuku has jumped down the fire escape before he can say anything.

to be honest, izuku is moments away from a full-fledged breakdown. He shoots shinsou a quick text about the villain, but pauses when he hears explosions. He knows the chances its Katsuki are tiny but he’s never been a lucky guy, so he runs towards them

basically the rest of the episode plays out like canon, izuku goes home and meets with his whole ass family panicking because he sent a vague text about a villain then was totally AWOL for 2 hours

hitoshi hugs him really tight while aizawa mumbles something about a tracking chip.

Izuku tells hitoshi about all might, but just tells aizawa vaguely that hes getting a quirk, no he isn’t in any danger, yes he’ll be safe, no he can’t tell you how.

Izuku and Hitoshi both pass the entrance exam with a mix of hero and villain points.

Izuku still doesn’t his whole bone breaky routine but he also manages to take out a few robots by himself before that. He ends up with the highest score.

Hitoshi takes out a few more robots but spends a fair bit of time pushing people out of the way of robots, yelling at people to be more careful about the others around them, and controlling people to get them out of the way of debris. He gets into the top 10.

Nezu is very very interested in the two ‘brothers’ with very different quirks that both did so well. He resolves to keep and eye on them.

Shirakumo is a riot as a teacher but boy is he stressful to be in a class with. The first insult out of Bakugo’s mouth and hes kicked him out of his class, telling him to try class B or get out of the school. (Blood King takes him. Bakugo is a little less horrible to izuku, at least where others can see)

Izukus having a quiet panic attack because Bakugo is going to kill him, and Hitoshi is caught between respecting the balls on their teacher and being pissed at the guy for putting izuku in a terrible position.

No quirk test, they do actually go see the opening ceremony. Hizashi and Shirakumo chat in sign while the principal’s speech drags on. Hitoshi and Izuku watch on, trying not to laugh when they start signing that they want to go to sleep.

Then they do the quirk test bc shirakumo’s a bastard. They end the day with Bakugo kicked out and Hagekure hanging onto her place by a thread. Izuku and Hitoshi come 4th and 5th respectively, despite not being able to use their quirks in the test. Shirakumo is interested.

Skipping to the interesting bits:

The USJ is just as terrible as canon, with the added fact that some of the thugs totally recognise izuku and hitoshi. Izuku works out how to use one for all at 1% during the attack. Hitoshi ends up with a scar on his eyebrow from a person with a claw quirk, Izuku gets a broken arm. Hitoshi sees all might in his skinny form for the first time and is suitably surprized

The sports festival goes a lot like canon in the first round, the second round features a team-up of just Hitoshi as the horse and Izuku as the rider bc they are so used to working with each other they felt it’d be more trouble to have extra team members. They arent exactly wrong and that round ends with them still in control of the 1’000’000 points band – along with a fair few teams just sitting on the sidelines with no idea how they got there.

Tournament round has izuku fighting Todoroki in the second round like canon, but in this universe, he wins (after helping him because whats izuku without a saviour complex). Hitoshi beats Tokoyami and Sero, but loses to Bakugo. The final round is Izuku vs Bakugo, they tie.

The stain arc is a riot. Izuku is interning w Gran, Hitoshi is with Nighteye who happens to be looking for ‘Alley Cat’. Hitoshi is so done with this.

Izuku finds Iida about to be attacked by stain and swoops in. Stain recognises him instantly

“Oh, you’re one of the cat’s kids, aren’t you? Let me deal with this fake hero and you can show me what your dad's taught you.”

Iida is confused – resolves to ask about it later

“You step away from him.”

“What?”

“I said. Step away from Iida. He’s – We’re going to be heroes. We’re both going to be heroes and I won’t let you hurt him!”

Stain pauses, then smiles.

“Lets see if the apple falls far from the tree, hm?” And he launches himself at Izuku

Izuku can dodge with the best of them, but he can’t get close enough to hit stain while protecting Iida. He manages to escape paralysis, but by the time Todoroki arrives stain has barely taken damage.

Todoroki isn’t the only person that responded to that warning. 1 city over, Hitoshi is franticly begging Nighteye to do something, because his brother is in danger. Nighteye is shocked at the fear in the previously apathetic child’s voice. He alerts heroes in the area, and makes his way over with a nervous Hitoshi in tow. On the other end of the city, where he’d been trying to keep an ear out for his kids, Aizawa gets the text and his heart drops. He begins running over.

Stain is taken out before any more help arrives. Without ropes, Todoroki freezes him solid in a block of ice. Endeavour arrives, as does Nighteye with a panicked Hitoshi. Aizawa arrives soon after, perched on a nearby rooftop, ready to whisk his kids away to safety should they need it.

The nomu swoops down, grabbing Izuku. Stain can’t help – trapped in his block of ice. Aizawa runs after Izuku. The nomu drops Izuku off at Shirgiraki’s feet, who is rather delighted to have the annoying boy from the USJ delivered to him out of the blue. He’s not, however, so happy with the knives he finds flying towards him. Kurogiri redirects them and the portal fades just in time for them to come face to face with the villain ‘Alley Cat”

“Well that was a cheap shot Alley Cat, what crawled up your ass and died?”

Aizawa places himself in front of Izuku, teeth bared. Izuku is clutching the leg of his costume. “Don’t hurt him and you won't lose a hand.” Kurogiri goes to attack, but Shigiraki waves him off, letting Aizawa take back Izuku.

“Sir?”

“Don’t you see? There are villains in the hero course. I smell a side quest, don’t you? We might even get some new party members out of it.

[wolferals]

🇪🇸ENCANTADO🇪🇸

This is the first part of my new arón piper fanfiction called „finally fallin'“

I hope you like it☀️

<arón piper x reader>

(The spanish is all google translate, i wont take responsibility for mistakes)

chapter 1

Your heart was pounding, your hands were shaking and your knees were weak. New things troubled you, made you almost anxious. Like college.

It was your first day of your third semester as you were studying design. When you had started dedicating your life on your projects you were still living in y/h/c (your home country), in a very small yet incredibly expensive apartment in the middle of the city with your best friend.

Everything was going perfectly fine, your grades were good and all your projects turned out the way they were supposed to.

But after one year of going to Uni, it bored you. A bad habit of yours. You got bored very easily and needed an immediate change.

It took a good amount of 5 weeks until your professor announced you could take a semester abroad in Madrid, Spain.

Your Spanish wasn’t exactly what you‘d call fluent but it was good enough to understand the basics.

A week before your time to leave had come you fortunately found a tiny little one room apartment somewhere outside the center for an affordable price.

It wasn’t quite fancy or anything but since you were a creative person, you were sure you could still make something out if it. Your parents had promised you to help you out with some money if you cant find a job to make you pay your bills. But besides that, the university was totally free for you because of your uni‘s connections back home.

And thats how you ended up here right now, staring at the huge doors of this tremendously big modern building in the middle of Madrid.

First day of Spanish university. Your classes were all in English which gave you a little bit of hope.

After taking a deep breath you opened the heavy white, wooden door and stepped inside just to be met with a dozen students walking through the halls, trying to find their class.

You didnt know where to go either but for your sake there was a campus map to your right that told you exactly where to go for your first class. Photography arts.

You loved photographing, finally taking that course excited you a lot.

By the time of 8:22 you reached the lecture hall and took a seat in one of the corners. You noticed that there weren‘t many students here yet which surprised you since classes start at 8:30 sharp.

You took out your Laptop to take some notes just in case and crossed your legs to observe the room a little before the professor came in.

In the next 5 minutes more and more students walked into the hall and found themselves some seats. A dark skinned girl with dreads and a septum piercing sat down behind you and smiled at you while passing by.

She looked amazing, you thought to yourself.

Checking out the other people you started asking yourself if they were all exchange students from non spanish-speaking countries.

Suddenly the second seat to your right got flipped down and a dark haired, brown eyed boy sat down, placing his backpack on the floor.

You tried to be nice and smiled.

He was cute, you thought and checked out his outfit.

He was wearing dark lightly washed out jeans and a white shirt. You immediately noticed the silver chain dangling off his neck.

He gave you a quick smile before grabbing his own laptop and putting it on the table in front of him.

Looking down you noticed that his phone had fallen out of his bag when he took his laptop out. But before you could indicate anything the door got slammed close and an old woman walked up to the desk in the middle of the hall.

„Welcome class of 2019. My name is Profesora Rodriguez and in this semester i‘ll be teaching you the arts of modern photography. I‘m assuming you‘ve taken photography classes before so I‘m going to spare you the details of basic skills you have to possess.“

She seemed like a very strict yet kind of sweet „teacher“ and you were sure she was going to teach you a lot about the topic you really wanted to know more about.

*time skip, after class*

Profesora Rodriguez endet the course about 2 hours later and the students started to leave the lecture hall very quickly.

Slowly you packed your laptop and your notebook back in your bag, taking your time since he door was stuffed anyways. The guy who had sat close to you had been one of the first to leave the hall, but unfortunately you had forgotten to tell him about his phone being on the floor.

It was still there.

You grabbed your back and then bent down to pick up his black iPhone.

You actually wanted to take it to a professor since you didnt even know his name.

As you walked out the door shortly after, it rang.

The display showed a weird looking phone number and a name. Arón.

You let it ring for a bit and then decided to pick up to maybe ask this person where his friend could‘ve gone so you could return the phone as fast as possible.

„Hello?“ you asked.

You didnt get an answer immediately but then a voice spoke:“Itzan? Quién eres tú?“ -„Oh I‘m sorry I dont speak Spanish. I found this phone on the floor in photography class. Do you know where I could find your friend?“

The guy coughed once before replying:“He is going to training now but we wanted to meet.. maybe you could come there too?“ You nodded even though he of course couldnt see that. „Yes of course, where is that?“

The deep voice then told you the address which you put in google maps to make sure you‘d find it.

He as well told you to come there by 12:30 so you still had some time to maybe get some food inbetween.

„Oh thanks so much! Im sure your friend will thank you for setting this up.“

He laughed a little and then spoke:“I‘m sure he will thank YOU for bringing him his phone.“

You chuckled back and then hung up to finally return to your apartment, grab a snack and text your mom about your first day of college in Spain.

*time skip to 12:35*

Nervously you were waiting for the guy who had lost his phone at the location his friend told you about.

You were standing in front of a restaurant somewhere in Madrid, holding onto your purse and his phone as if your life depended on it.

It took about 5 minutes until you recognized his face again and approached him. He looked confused as you were walking up to him.

„Hey! I found your phone in class before and your friend called and told me to come here to give it back.“

You held out his phone.

He smiled brightly.

„Ay dios mio, thank you so much! I was sure i would never find it again.“

His eyes were sparkling at you and he pulled you in a short hug.

„No problem, your friend was really nice.“ you smiled at him.

„What friend?“ He asked out of curiosity before putting his phone back in his pocket.

„Yo.“ a voice behind you spoke. „Ay hermano! Gracias por llamarla!“ (hey bro, thanks for calling her)

You turned around. And thats when you saw him for the first time.

„Arón, encantado.“

[mal-studyblr]

heyy mal! i've been in the worst academic slump ever the past few weeks and cant seem to concentrate at all :( i have my finals next month and i am PANICKING. any tips/advice?? - <3

hey anon! I’m also in an academic slump unfortunately but I’m just gonna list what I usually do whenever I have finals approaching:

#1 first of all! very important do not skip: have food. eat. please. also have some water while you’re at it. finals are very very stressful and I know it’s very easy to forget to eat until 5pm but that’s not good for you!!!! if you have a bad time remembering to take consistent breaks add an alarm to your phone and have it repeat every 2h or so then get up to drink some water (or any other drink if you don’t like water, just stay hydrated) and have some food if you’re hungry

#2 make a giant list of everything that’s gonna be on your exam (it’s usually the entire course content but sometimes professors will give you a hint of which specific questions will be worth more points etc) and as you study check off the topics you’ve already covered. it’s soooo satisfying to see that giant list crossed off I swear lol

#3 this one kinda depends on your preferred study method (I for example have different methods for different subjects but most include some number of practice questions). what I usually do is go straight to the practice questions (without revising beforehand) and whenever I can’t answer a question I will go back to the theory and study so that I know exactly how this kind of topic shows up in practice questions and thus the exam (also!! see if your professor is willing to email you some of their past papers/finals from past years so you kinda know what to expect from their final)

#4 don’t fill up every single day with an inhuman amount of studying to do!!!! this should go without saying but you can’t revise a whole semester in one day. try to work a little bit every day (in your case in the span of a month) and leave some days free bc rest is important (and you may also have an emergency that leaves you unable to study for a couple of days like the flu for example)

#5 if you’re stuck and can’t move on from a concept/question get up and leave. go take a shower, go for a walk, read a book, whatever. let your brain rest a little bit and then go back to whatever you were stuck doing, it’s gonna save you a lot of frustration and eventually giving up bc you’ve been stuck for hours without a proper break (see #1)

#6 not exactly sure how this would work with online school but I’m a big fan of study groups. maybe see if some of your friends can have a meeting through zoom and you can help each other out? sometimes only hearing an explanation (from someone who isn’t your professor speaking to a camera in a monotone) can help you out

*they’re doing the best they can at this time, I know, but sometimes it just fades into background noise and now you’ve missed a whole lecture staring at the wall. oops*

optional

#7 maybe get some new stationery if you can afford it? like yeah I get it it’s a pandemic the last thing I wanna do is sit down on my desk and study but also... look at that brand new notebook waiting to be filled... I really wanna start writing on it don’t I? ofc I do... now look at that! I have left my bed and am actually looking forward to studying! me 1 finals 0!!! it doesn’t even have to be expensive either, one time I got narwhal page markers at a dollar store and managed to finish a bunch of stuff bc they just looked so cute and I kept doing practice questions so I could grade them and put the score on those page markers

I’m so sorry this got like, absurdly long! I just wanted to make sure I was throughout in my explanations. but remember, please don’t be to hard on yourself if you can’t do all those things, we’re going through a very hard time and you’re doing your best! stay safe anon!

[sumastudies]

so, this is how it’s going (for me)

it’s currently day 20 of my self-isolation journey. my department in uni had us do one last day (friday the 13th) of normal classes because i had 2 labs and quizzes that, so we did those and then the isolation began. and now im losing my mind.

a little background: i got sick the week the government here came out with the announcement that uni is gonna be off for 3 weeks (now extended for the rest of the semester being online). that decision didn’t come out until thursday the 12th. the thing is, i usually dont get too sick? like, it’s pretty normal for me to start feeling sick, have a bit of a scratchy throat and maybe a headache, stuffy nose too, but my immune system always always manages to fight it off in a couple of days. so since it’s pretty rare for me to get sick enough to want to stay home. in the beginning of that week, i thought that was what was gonna happen too, but by wednesday, it seemed that yeah, im sick and my body is too tired to fight it off. see, i sort of didn’t consciously think about going to uni - it was a given that i had to. i had a lab midterm i HAD to do on tuesday, and then i couldnt afford to miss my classes for the rest of the week (for the sake of material and i didnt want to go over my nonattendance allowance), but then on thursday afternoon at like 2pm, after a full day of classes since 9am, i fell asleep in class out of pure exhaustion, and that’s when i knew that i absolutely HAD to stay home. imagine the frustration. if i’d stayed home that morning, or at least skipped 1 class, i’d have felt marginally better, at the least.

but i couldnt. my classes wouldnt end til 7.30 that evening, and i had the 2 labs and quizzes to prepare for and go to the next day from 9am-6pm - only then could i let my body rest.

so i got through both classes that day, and got back home so tired all i could do was lay in bed so tired i didnt even change out of my clothes, with guilt weighing down on me because i wasnt studying for the next day’s labs. by 12am, i was so frustrated and bone-achingly tired that i just gave up and texted a friend to ask the TAs in the morning lab if i could do anything to compensate what i’d miss if she didnt see me in the morning. then i took finally go to sleep with alarms for 6am that i would get up to if i heard in the morning to study. here’s when the sobbing starts out of nowhere.

in hindsight, i dont know if it was just a normal flu that my body couldnt fight off due to physical exhaustion, or if it was something else. (bear in mind, that was the week when only the first case of covid19 was reported here, so logically it couldnt have been but the paranoia was definitely there and definitely scary as hell)

fast foward to now: it’s been 2 weeks of online classes, and one more before that of netflix only, and im just about losing my mind. i came to stay over at my friends’ after only the first weekend and now idk if i wanna go back to my apartment alone or if it’s just because my mind is generally restless and i just wanna go back to be with my family. (that’s a whole other story tho)

even worse, i cant bring myself to focus on my classes, even though i wanted them to start so bad that first week i had to do absolutely nothing, for the sake of some structure. my uni plans to give some projects/homeworks to replace midterms at least, the fate of finals is still undecided, and labs might be done in the summer, and i cant get myself to study even for myself and my own growth. the way i’ve been wanting to since winter break in jan.

this unmotivation is killing me, and i know im not the only one feeling this way, i know that literally the whole world is in this situation and mindstate right now, but i feel like i want to explode. i cant help but blame myself and my own fucked up brain for not being productive and being good for myself, just like i always do.

i want to do more with my life with all the time that i have now, work towards my future career somehow. even the internship i was supposed to start planning for this summer is probably gonna be suspended or whatever.

i study both pharmacy and business admin, and i feel like it’s more accessible to try and do something with my business degree in some way, but my brain has never been trained to be of the entrepreneurial type.

im just. so sick of being in limbo like this.

i havent even been able to get myself to write (anything, of any sort) in MONTHS

i dont even know when i can get back home to my family, since no one’s accepting any incoming flights and im not even a permanent resident so. fuck all this shit.

[kim-isnt-seaweed]

^^those photos are all taken by me. Use them ig you want but please credit me.

Hello people!

How was your week? I had a fairly good week, it was hectic and tiring but it was good until i caught a cold.

Monday: Monday since i didnt have to work i stayed home laminating my interactive material and when T came home from work we went to Emart. He bought me a really cute watch since i needed it for classes since i didnt want to keep checning my phone, he wanted to buy a smart watch for both of us (hahaha i sound like we can just buy those things whenever we want but no, we save up for those type of things) but i dont want one because i geniuenly dont have a need for one, anyway we bought stuff at emart and came home. I thought at the time i had avoided the cold i thought i caught on Sunday.

Tuesday: went to work, every tuesday staff reuinion at the center and then i went to my first class the 27 m/o baby, he is really cute and you can notice he is somewhat understanding what i am teaching him but he cant speak yet so its tough to tell for sure. The second class was new kid i was added and he is the type of kids that ..are difficult, the mother had forgotten the class was on tuesdays at 6:30 and my boss forgot to call her to confirm (usually teachers do that but she said since im a forgeiner she would do it) besides they gave me the families old address thankfully the new house was a street away. The boy was not having it, he did not want to have class and he was just doing whatever the fuck he wanted, most of my students are young so its normal for them to get distracted but you can tell the difference when they get natrually distracted because they include me in their distraction for examole the baby boy keeps trying to gwt mw to play ball with him, or anotherone that just telling me about pokemon but this boy did not give a fuck about me or the class he was just difficult but i was like whatever i will go through if the class and maybe its just because he's tired, so who knows but when i was going his mom gave him an orange and he just threw it on the floor and smeared it with his foot as if it was funny and his mom said nothing so ..he still seems a bit difficult.

Wednesday: t was at home for the morning but had to go to work that night so i decided to make lunch for both of us: carne asada, refired beans a co-worker who grew up in Guatemala gave me and cilantro rice i made with the left over cilantro the Pho place gave me. I went to work at 4, and when i got to my students house i noticed he had a cold and i immediately was like "uh-oh" you know how kids are (he is 3) they dont cover their nose, whipe their nose with their hands and then touch you and your stuff. After class i came home and later that night my throat started feeling weird.

Side note: my mom would always make soup and salad everyday for lunch and dinner (same thing for both meals as is common in Colombia) and without fail they had cilantro ALWAYS! So i grew up eating cilantro, but it wasnt until i moved to Korea and the first time eating mexican food with T he was like "oh no the taste of cilantro is too strong i cant eat this" and i was like "Cilantro has a taste????" Like i grew up eating that in soups and stuff, never on its own so i never recognized the taste, let alone believe it was strong, i just thought it was a must for food like salt or whattever, the only other thing i new of cilantro was that it makes you sleepy, so if there was too much on our food it was like "mom is trying to make us chill" idk if its true or its just placeboo at this point since i grew up hearing it thus believing it. So yeah, i didnt know cilantro had a taste of its own until i moved to Korea, thankfully T has learned to like it but he judges me when i add a bit too much.

Thursday: my throat was even more irritated that morning but i felt fine in general, t had the day off so i made lunch again: arroz con pollo. I went to work, T took me to my classes on his new scooter motorcycle and while he waited he went shopping. My second student on thrusdays is a bitbhard because he is all over the place distracted and skipping all the steps but its okay because at least he looks excited for the class. Then i had my last class and went out to eat dinmer with T, by this time my throat was in so much pain it hurt to talk but the rest of me felt fine, we went to Kondae to eat Makchang (i think its the large intestine of the pork) and then i bought a leather jacket more like i bought a fake leather jacket because T has been dying to see me in a leather jacket (boy shoulda seen me at 16) idk why so now he can finally stop talking about it.

Friday: my throat felt better so i thought i had avoided getting a cold, i went to the center to pick up my class materials for next week and for the new student on fridays my boss had only told me about the night before. I went back home and since T again had the day free we went to the bank to open a family account, then he took me to my class, i was nervous because i had been told the kids mom is scary but when i arrived there (a bit late since i had forgotten something and had to go back to the center) they were so nice, their appartment is amazing, its huge and has a beautiful view people say celebreties live in those buildings too which explains the amount of security in the complex which is odd for most korean apartments. The mom was so nice, the dad too and their little boy is wonderful too so idk what they wete talking about tbh. When class finished we came back home, took all my pants (all except one i recently bought) a skirt and a dress to the seamstress because they were too big on me now and the lady was like "why are they so big??" "Its hard for you to find clothes the fit well, right? (it is) since you have a butt (i dont i just store most of my fat in my thighs and hips but not the butt) but your waist is so small" then when she got to the dress she seemed troubled because it was more work than what it seemedm we paid 90 bucks which is apparently expensive? Idk how since she has to do a lot of work on my clothes, 7 items and 2 items for T. Then we came home and i started to feel sick again, when bed time came i was completely sick.

Today: sleeping was terrible, i kept choking in my sleep because i have a stuffy nose and a very swollen throat. T woke up at all hours trying to help me feel better, giving me wster and medicine, i felt so bad since he had to wake up early but there he was taking care of me at like 4 am. When he woke up for work all i remember is him telling our cat "Bean, mom is sick be nice to her today and take care of here" aside from that being cute on its own i actually think she listend to him, although bean is very sweet she has moments when she likes to bully me, trip me ovet, bite my legs or scratch my hands (only me she never does that to T even if he was the one annoying her she takes it out on me) but today she has been so sweet and calm, no yelling or demanding snacks, no bullying just love.

At one my MIL took me to the doctors, they somehow always mention the fact i got surgery on my nose for allergy reasons and say something i cant fully understand and no one can translate for me but i am starting to feel the surgery was a waist of money, my allergies are back (not as bad as before but their back) and everytime i get a cold it fucks me up so hard. Then when comming home my MIL bought me so much pastries and bread because i didnt want lunch or let her pay for my medicine.

Sometimes i look at T and feel so lucky i have a husband that is so sweet, selfless and careing but then i see his parents and im like yep that makes sense. His parents have always been so sweet and understanding, the accepted me for me get go and have always treated me like a daughter, sometimes i tease T telling him his dad loves me more than than him haha his parents helped pay for my surgery back when we had only been dating for a year (my parents couldnt afford it i mean back at home they could but Korean money is much more expensive than Colombian money) and now everytime i mention trying to pay them back they wont have it.

I also noticed i have three big bruises on my legs i have no idea where they came from. Its annoying because everytime i hurt myself and say "oh this is gonna leave a bruise" there is no bruise to be found, but then these bruises appear and its like for you to be so big and persistent shouldnt i remember what your from???

Tomorrow: T and i finally both have the same free day, but this fucking cold will probably ruin it all so who knows.

Anyways that was my week, i hope you all had a good week too!

[melonmork]

once in a blue moon

soulmate!jaemin 🌙💕

a/n: in this au, identical birthmarks indicate soulmates!

~the only time you see your birthmark is through photos that your friends take or, when you’re bored, you’ll manage a blurry photo and inspect it disinterestedly

~it’s in the shape of a crescent moon, with another small disconnected spot perched right above the top of the moon shape, and it sits right behind your right ear before your hairline, in just the right spot to give you a headache when you try to see it in your reflection…

~the whole soulmate thing seems so intangible to you, although one of your closest friends just recently met their soulmate after noticing her identical birthmark while she bent down to pet a puppy

~of course you’re happy for them, and you’re excited to meet your own soulmate, but for now it seems so far away, so unattainable

~first of all, you think, what if their birthmark is somewhere i can’t see and i never know they’re my soulmate?

~and anyways, you muse further, my soulmate might live on a different continent, for all i know

~the unnecessarily loud snapping of fingers right before your face snaps you out of your daze, and you let out a little huff

~you look over to see your boss’ unamused face and your cheeks heat up

~”sorry, i won’t let it happen again, i’m sorry…” you say softly, glancing down to your lap before trying your best at an earnest expression, hoping to convince your boss once again to be lenient on you through your attempt at puppy eyes

~he sighs, shakes his head, and laughs, “that’s what you tell me every time. can you go stack these fiction books? they came in this morning. and put those poem books on the front display, they’re supposed to be a big seller.”

~you nod and quickly accept the task, thanking him and getting to work stocking the shelves with the books from the cart

~you finish up, admiring your creative setup of the poem books on the front display case, thanking your boss again when he compliments your work

~you decide you deserve (and need) a hot drink from the book store cafe, so you wander to that side of the book store and wait in line behind a few customers, one of them holding a poem book that you handed them while you were setting up the display

~while you wait, you check your phone to see that your friend sent you a photo of her with her soulmate; your friend smiles broadly while the pretty girl beside her plants a big kiss on her cheek. she sent it with the message “having so much fun at the beach with her! can’t wait for you to meet her!” 

~you smile at your phone and then put it away, opting to wait a while longer before responding

~and your mind cant help but wander to your soulmate again

~how tall will they be? you wonder

~how well will their hands fit in mine? what color are their eyes? do they prefer winter or summer? will they like the way i dress? do they like to read books too?

~again you’re snapped out of your daze, this time by the barista, jaemin, who calls your name gently

~”you want the usual?” he asks, smiling slightly at you, looking you in the eyes

~he always does that, and it makes you blush, and for a second the thought occurs to you that jaemin could be your soulmate…

~no, you think, he probably already found his

~”please and thanks” you respond, returning his smile and waiting at the counter as he writes your name on the cup

~you admire his black hair that falls softly in small strands out of the style and into his eyes as he looks down and writes

~you admire his profile as he hands the cup to the other barista, taeil

~you cant look away from him, from his shapely jawline, his dark eyebrows, his lips, soft and slightly shiny from the lip balm you sometimes see him rubbing on from across the book store

~aaaand much to your embarrassment, you’ve dazed again

~you snap out of it at the sound of jaemin’s soft laugh

~he’s shaking his head slightly, and you blush and laugh along with him

~since there’s no one in line behind you, you have time to chat with him for a bit, so he strikes up a conversation

~”you always seem like you’re somewhere else, you know. what are you thinking about now?” he inquires, leaning his elbows on the counter and watching you for your reply

~you hesitate… how can i tell him that i was thinking about how beautiful he is? you think… eventually, you decide to just tell him that you were thinking about your soulmate

~”oh,” he says, his eyes widening, “you’ve found them? what are they like?” he asks, his smile fading slightly, but just enough for you to notice

~”oh no no i haven’t met them yet! i was just… wondering what they might be like…”

~he smiles again and looks at you silently for a moment

~”they must be wonderful if they’re your soulmate, and im sure they think about you as well. who knows, maybe they work in a book store too,” he adds, then leans back from the counter, “i should get back to work. see you!” he affords you another smile, a jaemin smile, and waves at you, then disappears into the small pantry behind the counter

~you pick up your drink and thank taeil, then head back to the register area to relieve your coworker johnny and take over for a bit

~he hangs around, leaning against the counter beside you, talking about a book he read last week that he recommends, and you two talk books in between ringing up customers and helping people find a certain book

~when the conversation lulls, johnny looks at you intently for a moment and you’re like what?? do i have cream on my face?? and he laughs and shakes his head

~”you like jaemin, dont you? you go get a drink from the cafe every time you work, but only after you spend a solid ten minutes stealing glances at him from all the way over here”

~as he says that, you involuntarily glance at jaemin, then immediately look back at johnny, your face heating up

~”see! you can’t deny it” he affirmed, crossing his arms across his chest and smiling, a bit smug

~”maybe i do. but what’s the point of liking people, johnny? why do crushes even exist when soulmates exist too? isn’t it pointless?” 

~johnny ponders this for a second, then responds, “attraction isn’t pointless. the universe has its ways of steering us along its path.” he smiles at you, places his hand on your shoulder, and then bids you goodbye and leaves the store

~”the universe has its ways of steering us along its path…” you repeat to yourself, mulling it over 

~it makes perfect sense, doesnt it? you think

~in fact, it gives you courage, and you decide then and there that next time you have a shift at the same time as jaemin, you’ll spend more time talking to him, maybe even wait for his shift to end and sit down with him like you did once a long while ago

~two whole weeks actually pass before you see jaemin again at work, and you swear he looks even more beautiful when you finally see him again

~his skin is a bit tanner and brighter and his hair looks wavy and you find it even harder than normal to look away

~this time he catches you looking too, and he flashes you his lovely, big smile before you’re able to turn away in a sorry attempt to hide your embarrassment at having been caught staring

~you’re trying hard not to look at him, because it makes your heart beat way too fast, and you even begin to question your plans of going over to him

~but it turns out you don’t need to worry about that anyway, because a moment later you see beautiful, glowing jaemin’s dazzling smile right in front of you, and he looks so cute in his barista apron and cap with his wavy hair poking out from underneath the sides

~”jaemin, hi…” you manage, a little bit breathless by how suddenly he came to see you

~”hey, when do you get off?” he asks, and his face lights up when you tell him that you get off in an hour. “me too! would you like to sit down and have a cup of coffee with me then?” and when he asks, you look into his eyes and you swear that they have stars in them; there’s no way the poor book store lighting could make them so dazzling

~”i would love that, jaemin” you respond happily, the weight of being the one to ask him lifted off your shoulders

~”i’ll see you then,” he says before flashing you another smile that makes your heart skip twelve hundred beats

~johnny from the register beside yours: ayyyyyeeeeeeee get it!

~once the hour has passed, you take off your own book store cap and make your way over to a cafe table, sit down, and wait for jaemin 

~a minute later, he emerges from behind the counter, still wearing his cap and apron, balancing two cups, a pastry bag, and a photo album in his hand, his signature beam plastered across his face

~you can’t help but giggle at his cuteness, and even though you’re nervous, you’re also so comfortable in his presence as he sets down everything he’s holding and gives you another big smile, saying hello

~you two make small talk about work and sip on the drinks he brought (of course he brought you your usual order)

~and then he says in a more serious tone “i have something i’d like to show you” and he opens the photo album he brought

~your moth drops open when you see the photos… they’re all of the moon

~each photo is a breathtaking shot of the moon, hanging amiably over the dark ocean in the dusk, adorning the warm pink morning sky like a pearl, or boldly white against a stark black sky speckled with stars

~”i went to the beach with my family last week,” he explains, “and i had some great opportunities to photograph the moon. it’s kind of my passion” and when you look at his profile beside him, your heart is filled with adoration for this boy

~and then you remember your birthmark, shaped like the moon, and here you are next to the boy who loves the moon, and you think it really could be possible that he’s your soulmate…

~when you see jaemin begin to look at you, you quickly return your gaze to the photo album, moving your hair absentmindedly out of your face 

~and you don’t realize it, but in doing so you’ve revealed your birthmark to jaemin, who is fixated on you as if you are the moon

~theyre my soulmate, he thinks to himself, oh my god theyre my soulmate

~after a moment you meet his gaze again and you give him a puzzled expression in response to his own shocked one

~”is everything okay?” you ask, and he clears his throat, smiles, and nods, and tells you that it’s getting dark, he’ll lead you out to your car

~so you two walk out side by side (johnny winks at you when you catch his eye on your way out) and step out into the cooler night air and he walks with you in silence as you make your way to your car, a bit confused by why he ended your conversation so abruptly

~when you get to your car, you begin to thank him, but he gently cuts you off

~”i… there’s something you need to see.” he says

~the street lights illuminate his figure from behind and the moonlight, especially bright tonight, although you cant tear your eyes away from jaemin to afford the moon a look to see why, shines softly on his face

~without moving his gaze from your own, jaemin slides his fingers slowly underneath the collar of his shirt and pulls the material down over his left shoulder

~at first you’re shocked by his actions, but when you see the darker patches of skin right below his shoulder, you begin to understand

~he’s showing you his birthmark

~and it’s yours

~a crescent moon with a small spot just above the tip of the moon, gracing his tanned arm

~and everything makes sense now

~”we’re soulmates,” jaemin says gently, his voice soft and wonderfully raspy as he pulls the collar of his shirt back over his shoulder and smiles so softly at you, and you find yourself jealous of the moon because of how often she must get to kiss his beautiful features

~”may i?” he asks, his fingers hovering over your right ear, and when you nod he ghosts his warm fingertips over your birthmark

~and in a moment his chest is against yours, his right hand tenderly holding the small of your back and his left hand deftly sweeping your hair away from behind your ear

~he leans in to kiss your birthmark and his breath is hot and wonderful on the side of your neck and you tilt your head, inviting him to kiss you, wrapping your arms around his waist and trying to control your racing heart and fast breathing

~his warm lips plant two, three, four kisses gingerly on the tender skin where your birthmark is

~he pulls away and looks at you fondly, smiling and still holding your back and your neck in his warm palms

~”you know,” he begins, “i’ve always felt that you are the only person more beautiful than the moon. i wonder how it is that we just so happened to work at the same book shop, in the same town, at the same time…”

~suddenly, johnny’s words echo in your head, and you voice them aloud, “the universe has its way of steering us along its path.”

~he smiles widely and, after thinking about it for a minute, says “you’re so right..” as he leans back, this time planting his gentle, strawberry-lip-balm-flavored kisses on your lips, savoring his time with you under the moon and stars, inexplicably glad that it’s you, it’s you, it’s really you…

~after he kisses you, he looks up at the moon

~you continue to watch him, even daring to kiss him quickly underneath his chin, making him laugh so cutely

~”look up,” he says, and you do

~”a blue moon…”

~”yep. a few minutes ago i would have called it coincidence, but you’ve got me thinking othwerise.” and he looks back at you and gives you that impossibly lovely smile of his, and you find yourself thinking the same thing as him

~it’s you, it’s you, it really is you...

thank you for reading!!! i hope it's a fun read! feedback is very much appreciated! 🌙💞😌💙 much love to you all! xxxx

[foreverfangirl2011]

Demons From the Past- Prologue + Chapter 1

Hey Lovelies, 

So here is the prologue and first chapter of the Grayson Story I recently posted about. You’ll notice I changes the name a bit, I just think this flows better. This is just the beginning, theres still a hell of a lot more to come. But I hope you like it. 

Love,

- M

Demons From the Past A Grayson Bailey Dolan Story

Prologue

We all go trough hardships in our lives, bad things happen, its just a part of life. Life wouldn’t be life without these things. But its how we choose to deal with them that define us, not the crap itself. Thats where this story starts. I was just your average teenage girl, going through high school, trying to graduate, boy crazy, my head perpetually in the clouds. Like all girls my age I dreamed of being in love; even though I had no idea what real love was. I met him in freshman year of high school, and were together until graduation. His name, Harrison Waverly. The Waverly’s were a high power family, Edward Waverly, Harrison’s father, was a congressman. And his mother; Vivian Waverly; single handedly ran an international fashion empire. Even his little sister Naidene was a violin protege. Obviously Harrison was under a lot of pressure, his parents wanted him to take political science and follow in his fathers footsteps, but his true passion was sculpting, he was always happiest in his studio. His father , however, would never stand for that, “No son of mine is going to be a nobody playing with mud!” He would say. It didn’t help Harrison’s case that he was so gifted in political science, he couldn’t help it, it was in his blood. I loved him so much though, I always encouraged him to follow his heart. But the pressure from his parents was too great to bear, and he feared if he went against their wishes they would take it out on poor Naidene and make her give up her music (which Harrison knew she loved). So with a heavy heart he closed his studio doors and went to Princeton to study law. Unfortunately I couldn’t afford Princeton, instead, I got a scholarship and went to Northwestern for creative writing (fortunately my parents supported my writing dreams). We broke up after graduation, in our hearts we knew we couldn’t make the long distance thing work. We knew we’d just get to busy and drift apart. Anyway, even though Harrison’s parents loved me, they wanted him fully focused on school so that he was ready to step in when Edward retired. A year later, mid softmore year, fate smiled  upon us (or so I thought). We were both home for Christmas and as soon as we laid eyes on each other we just knew. Neither of us had moved on, he kissed me under the mistletoe and we got back together. Surprisingly we mad it work until graduation, the long distance I mean. After our first year back together he gave me a promise ring, it was a silver infinity ring with diamonds down the middle. It was beautiful, he said it was his promise never to leave me again and by wearing it I was making the promise to stay with him always. I loved it and him so much, I never took the thing off. Our bliss was sadly short lived, I could tell it was all getting to Harrison. He was always stressed out and soon became distant. We had arranged that every 2 weeks one of us would visit the other. But he soon started skipping his weekends. I tried to understand, I mean he was in law after all he must’ve just been busy. Anyhow, after we both graduated we would have loads of time for each other I reasoned. I wasn’t alone through it all though, I had made a great friend, who was also from Jersey, coincidentally. We just never crossed paths back home because we lived on opposite sides of town and attended different schools. He was also in the creative writing program. We met the first day freshman year and were best friends for the four years we spent at school together. His name: Grayson Bailey Dolan (I liked to call him Bailey to annoy him as he kind of hated his middle name ;)). He had a twin brother named Ethan who was our third musketeer. It was always the three of us. That is until Ethan started seeing Alicia, his now girlfriend. Then it was just me and Bailey most of the time. But we didn’t mind. We always had a ball together. He was always there for me, after Harrison and I had a big fight, or if Harrison couldn’t make it out for the weekend and I was down. He was sweet and sensitive and always lent me a shoulder to cry on. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. Anyway, back to Harrison. After I finished my final exams I decided to fly home early to surprise him. His graduation was first and my exams finished a few days before it. The original plan was he was going to send the jet to pick me up the night before the ceremony. But it had been almost a month since we’s seen each other (exams and all) and I wanted to spend a few extra days with him so I hopped a last minute flight back to Jersey. Grayson dropped me at the airport that day. I remember because we sort of fought about it. He was worried because he knew things had been rocky between me and Harrison. You see Harrison was normally a pretty chill guy. But when he got stressed he drank and when he drank… lets just say you wanna stay out of his way. It was like sober Harrison was Mr. Hyde and drunk Harrison was Dr. Jekyll. On more than one occasion he hurt me; the first time it happened he pushed me down and kicked me a few times in the stomach, leaving behind a few bruises on my torso. Another time he twisted me arm so bad he fractured my wrist. I know what your thinking, why the hell didn't I leave him right? The truth is I don’t really know… I know I should’ve… I know Bailey wanted me to, he was furious when he saw me hurt… but I was just so in love with him… and every time I looked down at my hand and saw the ring I couldn’t bring myself to leave him… my heart was telling me that he needed me, and I couldn’t just abandon him. Little did I know he was the one that was abandoning me… Grayson begged me not to go back and just to end things: “Y/N please, he just going to hurt you again. He needs more help than you can give him, cant you see that?” “Grayson I’m not having this argument again, I hate fighting with you and I don’t want another episode like last night.” I say remembering the ugly fight we had the night before. “But-“ “But nothing, I love him… and I promised I would stay and I cant go back on that promise…” I reply glancing at the ring. “The second he raised a hand to you he lost the right to have you. No man has the right to defile a woman like that, especially a woman as incredible as you…” he says moving a stray hair from my face. “Listen Bailey, I love that you care about me like this and worry about me, but I’ll be fine ok. Besides, he’ll be more calm now that finals are over.” I say taking his hands in mine. “Ok… just promise me one thing…” he says running his fingers over my still bandaged right wrist and the fresh bruises on the left one. “What?” “If he lays a hand on you again you leave for good ok? Don’t let him hurt you again.” He says now hugging me. “Ok, I promise. I’ll take care of myself.” I reply hugging him back. The hug lingers a little longer than it should, but I like it… I like the warmth that comes with his embrace and the smell of his crisp cologne. “Last call for flight 810 to New Jersey” a female voice calls over the intercom. “Ok thats me.” I say finally letting go of him. He kisses my forehead softly and watches me walk off. “Have a safe flight, see you for graduation!” I hear him call before entering the gate. “See you soon Bailey!” I call back, catching one last glimpse of him rolling his eyes before handing the lady my ticket and walking through the gate.

A couple hours later; after watching half of the in flight movie, reading a little and of course face timing Gray; I was in a cab on the way to the Waverly Estate; where Harrison was now living in the guest house (he just needed the space and we needed the privacy; but his parents still wanted him close enough to keep an eye on him). I was giddy, I had never been so excited to see him. We pulled up and the cab driver got out, opened the door for me and got my bags. I paid him before walking around back to the guest house. I noticed a car I wasn’t familiar with in the driveway, but didn’t think much of it. Edward was always having colleges over for meetings so it wasn’t unusual to see the odd car parked in the driveway now and again. When I reached the door to the guest house however, I started to worry. I heard sounds… coming from inside. When I heard a female laugh I thought it must be Naidene, she was in 12th grade now and Harrison sometimes let her and her boyfriend Julian use the guest house so they wouldn’t be caught by Edward or Vivian. I slowly opened the door and tiptoed in. The noises continued and started to get louder. “Dene… is that you?” I whispered knocking on the bedroom door, its not closed all the way and it swings open. I gasp, my hands flying to cover my mouth. Its Harrison with some bleach blonde girl I’ve never see before. “Y/N! What are you doing here? Your not supposed to be back til tomorrow!” Harrison screams pulling the sheets up to cover himself and the girl. “Harrison who is this?” The girl asks “Shut up Kelly!” He screams back. “Harrison how could you? After everything we’ve been through! I stayed I kept my promise! I cant- I just can’t…” I stammer, tears streaming down my cheeks now. I pull the ring he gave me off my finger and leave it on the dresser, turning to leave. “Wait- I can explain!” I take a deep breath and without turning around respond: “I don’t want to hear it, its over. We’re done Harrison.” I pull my sleeve up to expose my bruises, not just to remind Harrison of what he’s done, but to silently warn Kelly what she’s in for. Then I leave. I get a cab back to the airport and call Bailey on the way. I tell him the whole ugly story and without seeing him I can tell he’s probably clenching his fists. I tell him to calm down and not to break any walls. All I need is a little ice cream and a little Adele and I’ll be fine. We pull up to the airport and I’m still on the phone with him. I pay the driver, take my bags and walk inside to try to get a ticket back to Illinois. “Do I need to say I told you so Y/N? You knew this was coming, the way he was distant, I mean how often were you guys actually speaking in the last couple weeks?” “Grayson please I don’t need this right now ok! I know he was a douche, I know he was treating me like trash, but I loved him. And  I thought he loved me. We were together for almost eight years! That means something to me! I mean do you have any idea how painful it is to see the one you love in somebody else arms?” I say breaking down into tears. “I’m sorry.” He replies. I look up and see him standing in front of me, phone to his ear. He locks eyes with me and we both hang up as I run into his arms. He wraps his strong arms around me and sob into his chest. “Shh… its gonna be ok.” He whispers, holding me tight and rubbing my back. Little did I know he knew exactly how I felt when I saw Harrison and Kelly… the same way he felt when he saw me and Harrison… He held me like this for a few moments and then we got our tickets. The flight back was quiet, accept of course for my crying. I kept my head on his shoulder and eventually passed out. As I drifted off to sleep I pondered about this being the last time I saw Harrison… boy was I wrong.

Chapter 1: The First Week We spent the week we had off before our graduation together, mostly in the little apartment I had been living in. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life, but it had a happy ending. Ethan and Alicia spent most of their time at the twins place. The day before the ceremony however, E came over with Alicia and the four of us spent the day together. “Hey you… how you feeling?” Ethan said coming into the living room and seeing me under blankets on the sofa surrounded by tissues and junk food. “A little better I guess…” I say standing to hug him. His hug is sweet, but its not the same as Bailey’s, I couldn’t place why at the time, it just felt different. “Hey Y/N, why don’t you hop in the shower while I clean up here a bit, and then we can watch some movies or something?” Bailey says tapping my shoulder gently. “Are you trying to tell me something Bailey?” I say, letting go of Ethan and turning to face Gray, hand on my hip. “No no, of course not. I just meant-“ “I’m just kidding, I get you. I’ll feel much better after a shower. I’ll be back in a few.” I reply going off to the bathroom.

Bailey’s POV

“Baby, I’m gonna go pick up some ice cream and pizza, break up essentials. I’ll be back soon, let her know when she comes back ok?” Alicia says kissing Ethan and then gesturing to me knowingly as she leaves. Ethan gives her an “I know” look and walks her out before coming back to help me clean. “So, what was that look about?” I ask “What look?” “C’mon E, I’m not an idiot.” “Actually you kinda are.” He says patting my on the shoulder and going to the kitchen to throw away some garbage. “What do you mean?” I reply following him “Dude, you realize if you had told her the way you felt weeks ago she may not be in the mess she is now?” “Yeah, like its really that simple. Its not like if I told her I was in love with her she’d just dump the douche and come running to me. She was with him for almost eight years, you cant just undo that with three words!” “Yeah, but you’ve been involve with her since freshman year! Thats almost half the time she’s been with him! You knew he was pushing her around, she wasn’t safe with him and somewhere deep down I have to believe she knew it. She’s too smart not to have. All she needed was a little push to see it. You could have given her that push.” “Don’t you think I’ve been trying! I’ve been begging her for weeks to dump the ass wipe! She was so in love with him, nothing could change that. She doesn’t feel that way about me, I just have to accept that.” “No you don’t bro. I know you better than I know myself, you’ve never felt this way about any girl before and you probably never will again. That means something. Listen, I see the way she looks at you sometimes, the way your always there for her whenever, wherever. I really believe she notices that too. She loves you, I know it, she just doesn’t know it. She’s hurting right now, she has been for a while. But you can help heal that hurt. And when the pain fades and you tell her how you feel, I guarantee she’ll realize she feels the same way.” “Wow dude… that was deep.” “Well it was true.” “Your right, I’m not giving up on-“ “Your not giving up on what?” Y/N says stepping into the kitchen in her robe whilst ringing her hair out with a towel. I just look at her a second, taken aback. I’m mesmerized by the few tiny water droplets that slowly make their way down her legs. For a brief moment I imagine standing in the shower with her, those beautiful legs wrapped around my waist. Before my fantasy escalates I’m brought back into reality by Ethan nudging me. “Earth to Bailey? Where’d you just go?” She asks again. “Oh uh nowhere, I was saying I’m not giving up on… finding the vacuum, where’d you put that thing again?” I nervously stammer. “The hall closet, but you don’t have to worry about that, I can do it after I get dressed.” “Oh no, its my pleasure, I- I mean I don’t mind.” “You’re really to sweet to me Bailey, thanks again.” She replies giving me a peck on the cheek before going back to her room to get dressed. “Be right out!” She calls from her room. “Thank god your not giving up on the vacuum bro!” Ethan jokes once she’s out of sight. “Oh shut up.” I say smacking him on the head and going to get the vacuum.

Y/N’s POV

I go through my drawers trying to find something comfortable to wallow in. I’m rummaging through my shirt drawer and I keep pulling out the Princeton t-shirts Harrison’s been sending me. Frustrated I almost give up before suddenly pulling out one of Bailey’s lacrosse t shirts.  Its purple with the words “NORTHWESTERN LACROSSE” written in block letters and the lacrosse logo below it. Hm, I must’ve borrowed this and forgotten to give it back. I slip it on over my black leggings and bra. Oh its really soft and it still smells like him I think smiling. I decide to keep it on, as its the only thing that’s made me smile the past three days (besides of course Bailey himself). I stroll out into the living room and find the twins chilling on the couch. “Guys the place looks great, thanks so much.” I say walking up to the sofa and rubbing Grayson’s shoulder appreciatively. “No prob, uh Alicia went to get break up essentials.” Ethan says without looking away from his phone.       “Pizza and ice cream?” “Yep.” I walk around to the front of the couch and sit next to Bailey resting my head on his shoulder. “Is that my shirt?” He asks “Oh, yeah I found it in my drawer, I hope its ok that I wear it. The only other clean t shirts I have right now are the bloody ten thousand Princeton shirts Harrison sent me.” “Its cool… do you… do you even remember when you “borrowed it” by the way?” “Not really actually, why the air quotes around “borrow it?”” “Well… because technically you didn’t really borrow it…” he says looking away. “What do you mean?” “Yeah bro, what are you talking about?” Ethan chimes in, now looking up from his phone. “Are you sure you want Ethan hearing this story Y/N?” “How bad is it?” “You know its not your fault, you were really drunk-“ “Oh god, what the hell did I do?” “Well, it was a party that the lacrosse team threw, and Harrison had just told you he wasn’t going to make it here for the weekend… again… and you were understandably pissed and you drank a lot… you were totally wasted and you got up on a table and started dancing… and kind of ripped your shirt off…” “Oh my god! I cant believe I did that! I have no memory of that!” “As soon as you did it I grabbed you off the table and took you to our apartment. Ethan stayed the night at Alicia’s so he wasn’t there. You passed out in my car on the way there, after protesting with me to let you stay at the party. I carried you into my room, placed you on the bed, and had Cameron come over and help clean you up. Then I put one of my t shirts on you and drove you back here.” “And you did all this whilst I was unconscious?” “Yeah, you pretty much slept through all of it.” “So you saw me in my underwear and didn’t tell me?” “Just your bra… you kept your shorts on. I’m sorry if your creeped out… I just wanted to make sure you were ok… and the next day you didn't remember anything, so I though I’d save you the embarrassment and not tell you…” “Creeped out? How could I be creeped out, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me! I mean Harrison never did anything like that.” “Grayson how come you didn't tell me about this?” Ethan asks “Because I couldn’t risk anyone blabbing to her, I made all the guys at the party swear not to say anything either.” “Thank you Bailey, just thank you…” I say wrapping my arms around him. “Your welcome, you can keep the shirt by the way.” Soon Alicia came back with the food and we watched movies together all day. It really was exactly what I needed. After I a few hours I could tell Ethan and Alicia really wanted to leave. For the past twenty minutes they were teasing each other and Ethan now sat with a pillow over his lap. “Its ok really E, you guys have been here all day. Besides I have my Bailey. I won’t be alone.” I say putting my arm around Grayson. “Are you sure babe?” Alicia asks “Positive, you guys go have some alone time.” I say winking at Ethan. “See you later Y/N.” Alicia says hugging me and heading to the door. “God bless you Y/N” Ethan whispers hugging me before following Alicia out. “I apologize for him.” Gray says after they leave. “Its ok, I get it. So its just me and you then Bai- I mean Grayson.” I say grazing his arm. “You know if it really bothers you I’ll stop calling you Bailey…” “I don’t mind, I kinda like that your the only one that calls me that…” he replies locking eyes with me. “Thank you… really for everything.” “Don’t mention it.” I lay my head on his shoulder as he plays the next movie. I’m gonna be ok… I think drifting off.

[nurse-to-med]

Year 2

This has been a really tough year.

I have found the work/life balance thing almost impossible to do. 

I constantly fret about money. Although my family have all said they do not want me to worry about money, don’t struggle, ask for help...I just cant do it. I think I have such pride. Asking for money off them feels so wrong when they have already helped me so much. I have already had them bail me out over the years, and this is a selfish decision to come to medical school...

As a result I work loads, finding the time and energy to study can be difficult as a result. But I am passing my exams so I keep telling myself it is all ok. But I know next year (clinical phase) will be so much harder. I will NOT be able to work so much, so the financial strain will be harder. To compensate I have been trying to work more this year to build up a reserve (my grades have dipped but not terminally).

The main issue is the exhaustion. Essentially holding down 2 full time jobs, starts to wear you thin. I have become emotional and tearful. I don’t sleep well. I am moody and restless. So damn homesick it hurts.

I am sure I have talked on here before about being an older student too. It can make it hard to connect sometimes. Everyone else is so much younger and enjoying their first university experience in the way they should. They don’t need me crying on their shoulders - this is where the void of the internet helps.

The fact that I am determined to move across the country when I qualify means I am reluctant to put down roots here too. I have always struggled to make real connections with people. I always feel so disconnected from everyone else. 

So my grandfather died at the start of the year - second year did not get off to a good start. My girlfriends mother was ill a lot of the year (long-distance relationship too), so I spent a lot of my time on FaceTime, on the phone or driving 4 hours each way to offer support...or just to see her. And last week I finally snapped and called off the relationship. 

Four and a half years and I had to tell her I didnt want to do this anymore. In some ways it means the pressure is off...in others I am struggling with the separation. It is hard to readjust to the single mindset after so long. To no longer contact someone who you had daily contact with for several years.

Finally, there is the home situation. To say there has been some conflict with the flatmates is an understatement. To cap off a crappy and stressful year, I have not enjoyed coming home. Currently enjoying the respite of the flatmates being gone for the holidays, but I know my peace with be shattered soon. 

Just to add to the stress, the flatmates are moving out at the end of the year. I am struggling to find somewhere affordable to live. Contemplating selling off my furniture (or hiring a big skip and having someone just take all my past life away and starting again). Thinking of moving into the hospital accommodation as it would save me money. But it would mean still shared living, going back to a single bed in a tiny room, no internet (according to a student I know who lives there), and still feeling disconnected. The other option is still getting rid of my stuff by moving into a house share...and really trying for an en-suite room. Which may cost a bit more money but save my sanity (and keep a double bed and working internet). Or finding a one bed/studio...this town is so small they can charge whatever they want really...so thats not the affordable option...Sign...so much STRESS.

I can only hope that 3rd year is a little bit less stressful and chaotic.

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.

[tachibubu]

Drip Drop [REQUESTED]

Pairing: Jerome Valeska x Reader

Prompt: [ANON] gothammm can u do a oneshot where reader is jims v close niece or sth who has social anxiety and phobia of blood and then jim drags her into gcpd office where she forces her to be a cop (like in training?) and then unfortunately for her, jerome and the gang comes for a shooting and then she just hides smwr like undr the table and jerome sees and finds it cute but shes pale af cuz of all the blood and she cant say or do anything cuz of fear and social anxiety?

YAYYYY! My first request from being in tumblr for 4(?) days!!! I got this request from a person [Which that person wants to stay anonymous] and it was interesting to write! It took me awhile since I have to study on how to get in a Police Department for this one and some test required. I tweaked some minor stuff, hope you don’t mind! Also, before you say that Jim couldn’t have any niece because he doesn’t have a sibling (In my information, still haven’t watched Gotham fully.) this is an AU where either your mother or father is Gordon’s sibling. Also this is a female reader insert, I couldn’t do both genders in one go since I’m really strict to grammar even though my grammar isn’ really that great. Anyways hope you guys like it, and you too anon who requested this!

You went in to you and your Uncle Jim’s shared apartment, you could hear him cooking something as the aroma of the food hits through the air. You dropped yourself on the couch and wailed like a kicked puppy.

“Oh, (Y/N). Finally find a job?” you could hear some utensils where set.

“No luck Uncle Jim…”

You were Jim Gordon’s niece. Since your parents died from a homicide when you were still a wee child. Jim was the only relative accepted you and took you in. After him helping you throughout the incident, you both became a close duo. Now that you were in a legal age and haven’t entered to any college since you and your uncle couldn’t afford for it you decided to help the household by applying on an occupation. So far, all the interviews were a disappointment.

“Could you set the table?” Jim requested as you groaned but rose and carried on what the elder told you to do.

The both of you consumed the dish in peace for a while then Jim decided to break the silence.

“I could get you in at the GCPD as a police though since we are in need after the Maniax incident,” he lifted an eyebrow at you while chewing the food inside his mouth. You thought about it, it could raise your cash earning, yes. Plus, you do have an athletic history and could fire a gun, which Jim educated you for self-defense. But the major obstacle is that you were scared of blood, in other words you have hemophobia. That’s the con, but you were mentally humiliated being puppied by your uncle. You want to assist the household too, but this decision could cause you to be terrified to death. No, I could do this. You thought to yourself, this would make me stronger.

“I’m up for it,” you said returning eye contact.

Jim knew about this phobia of yours, he doubt that you would accept it but he was surprised that you acknowledged it. “Are you sure? There would be a bloody incident now and then, I know you want to help but you don’t know what will happen in every second or minute.”

“I’m sure of it.” He sighed then bowed his head a little to respect your choice.

“Well then I’ll prepare everything else, also you need to prepare about the LEE examination for it and at least have 70% above to pass. So, good luck kiddo.” He smiled at her then they proceeded to eat in silence. On that night you searched a lot of information for the test to raise your chances on passing.

The next day you and Jim were driving to the station, “My niece would like to apply.” He then advanced and gave your citizenship card and driver license, your high school diploma also to be checked by the woman on the counter. You were pretty apprehensive at this, having negative speculation every now and then. What if I did pass then saw blood throughout the job? I don’t even know if I would be able to pass this, I hope they like me… That’s some of the few anticipation that you have been deliberating to yourself.

It was going fine until several gunshots were heard; the worst thing is that it was “NEARBY”. The windows shattered and you squeaked in surprise and horror, some police were shot, which made your eyes expand.

Blood, all over.

You started to hyperventilate; your body was shaking fiercely. Your uncle led you to the other side of the counter and made you hide under the table at one corner. It was a good hiding place but you doubt it will last. He ordered to stay there and gave you a pocketknife to defend yourself. “I’ll be back, think of your happy place (Y/N)…” he was on pins and needles that you will lose consciousness and with your pale figure; it was obvious you weren’t fine. He grasped both of your hands and you focused on him, still shaking and sobbing. “Do what I told you (Y/N)---“

“Close your eyes, and think about positive things.”

He said hugging you; your six-year-old figure struck by a jolt at the sight of the cadaver of your parents in the kitchen. The floor was tainted in red and their eyes are dull. Police and medics can be heard rushing outside. Uncle Jim always told to you to do that when you sighted blood, and it always seemed to work. You trusted him that much.

“I’ll get you out of this, I promise.”

You urged your head to nod which worked and he smiled and ruffled your hair before sneakily went out of sight to see what’s happening. The girl that your uncle talked to you a few minutes ago was there laying nearby, now a carcass. There’s another police you can see near at your hiding place lifeless too. You felt light headed at this point. It was horrifyingly catastrophic.

And when you heard a happy whistling tune and footsteps, you hugged yourself firmly. Clutching the knife that your uncle gave you, you closed your eyes and did what your uncle told you. Think of happy thoughts, and trust him even though your heart was pounding by the trigger of your phobia and also fearing for you life.

The MANIAX was back after estimated two weeks and were up for some show, the group of mentally ill people decided to welcome one of the most entertaining yet foolish department of all time. Gotham City Police Department. Requested by the leader of the group, the one and only Jerome Valeska.

Jerome was whistling and slightly skipping while glancing anywhere if there are any alive preys still in sight for him to satisfy his hunger. While he walked he heard a whimper, he walked towards where he heard it and saw a girl hiding under a table. She was obviously scared; Jerome couldn’t help but think it was adorable. He started to near her, gun in hand in case the girl didn’t afford the entertainment he needed. When he was in front of her, kneels down. He noticed a knife in her fist.

“Boo!” he giggled. The girl suddenly by instinct stabbed him on his upper arm which was took him in shock. He noticed the girl got more scared, he didn’t knew if it was him or something else.

“S-sorry!” she gasped. “I, I… Scare! . Bl-Bl-Blood!”

“Not, not…. Kill, I pl-pl-please!”

He looks at her, as if she was a precious baby to be saved, not bothering the pain he felt on his shoulder. The blood flowed and the girl whimpered at the sight of it and at the sight of the well-known psychopath. This made him smile at how adorable she was, he thought. He liked her instantly. Maybe he should keep her alive and play with her for a little while. It would be interesting enough for him; besides if she gets boring he could kill her instantly. But something about her that made Jerome uneasy, a feeling or an emotion he couldn’t put into which he just shrugged off.

“Don’t worry doll,” he said and puts a hand behind her head and pushed her onto his chest and cradled her. “Now close your eyes, drop the knife and put your hands around me.” You still cried but managed to do what he said and embraced him even though she could feel the phobia rush in as she felt the sticky blood touching her arm. But she didn’t bother it, she was a facing a killer and she was exhausted. That’s a downside. She felt her world being dim and darker in every blink. Her breath seemingly slowed down. Before she could pass out, she could hear the psychopath’s comforting voice once again.

“Now, now doll. I’ll protect you for now on.”

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.